Feb 13


So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

My emotions have changed over the years about this day. I went from high expectations, to hating the holiday, to now being in a happy medium. I mean let’s be real, most of us have done all the above…

I was looking at my little loves this morning, one wearing mismatched pjs, and the other desperately wanting to just go, go, go. I asked William {2.5}:

K: Hey buddy, what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day tomorrow?

W: It not baaalentines day.

K: Buddy, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and it is a special day since mommy loves you, so we can do something special.

W: I want to stay home.

M: {hmmm… donut? pancake date? perhaps something else?}

W: Mommy, wipe my nose…

W: Hey mommy, let’s go to the bouncy house!

M: Okay buddy we can do that, but you don’t even like the bouncy house {insert image of the little boy who stands outside of the bouncy house saying it too loud and won’t go in one}

I looked back at Mary Kathryn and just smiled. I thought… I don’t have epic plans or sprinkles for my pancakes, but they’re in my kitchen, and were wiping noses and conquering fears, and this is love. I smiled again,

Then… a song came on my random Spotify radio.

I used to drive long dark mornings once a week while I was pregnant with Mary Anna, and they were scary and hard and lonely drives. I would listen to this song and eat chicken biscuits. I gained a lot of weight and a lot of tears on those drives.

This song still brings me to my knees, because after I lost her, I would remember those drives, and remember preaching to myself without even knowing it…

Oh, how he loves us
oh, how he loves.

And I realized that love is just this. It’s the messy mornings. It’s the tears over a baby who is not in our house. It’s the squeals of a busy 8 month old at my feet. It’s the sounds of trucks on my t.v.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Corinthians 4:7-11

When I read this verse the other day, it hit me, because so many people want the death of my baby girl to be “easier” for me, yet I find it harder the more that times goes by. I realized that if Christ calls us to carry around his death daily, that it is perfectly acceptable for me to continue to carry around the death of Mary Anna. Her death brought so much life to me, just as Christ death brings life to us.

So whatever it is that makes you have an extra spring in your step tomorrow or makes you feel a little weepy, just know that He does love us. He gave himself over so that we may live. And that bouncy houses in fact may not be the best option for your Valentines plans.

Keep Walking.

Oh… and take your littles for donuts and snuggle them tight. Life is too short.