Dec 25

Tiny Toes


It’s Christmas Eve!


It seems to come faster and faster every year.

This year has been so chaotic with a two-year old and a 6 month old, and yet these babies have made the season seem so much more magical than it ever has before. The birth and life of Jesus and teaching it to their little ears has just come alive in a different way to me.

I was snuggling William in bed the other night, and he loves to ask for “one more story… last time” over and over again, so I was doing just that. I have been telling him the Christmas story in a way that I feel like he can understand, so we have talked a lot about how Jesus was born in a “barn”, and of course the animals have been a hot topic of discussion. As I told that story again, William said to me, “There were no pigs there mommy, and Joseph took care of baby Jesus.” To hear how his little brain processes it all is too sweet.

And another rock star from the manager scene in our nightly story time are the angels. William seems to be interested in things that are “way up high”, which I assume is a little boy thing, so he thinks that the angles are pretty cool too…. As we were driving the other day he told me:

I wanna go way up high mommy

okay buddy why…

I wanna see Mary Anna and the angels

you want to what William? {tears welling up}

I wanna go up high and see Mary Anna with the angels

{tears streaming}

So it is Christmas Eve, and my heart is so full of wonder as I watch this wild little boy teach me about Jesus’ life in a whole new way. We have stacked presents, made treats, laughed, cried, rode trains, seen Christmas lights, and most importantly we have found the baby in a manger who makes Christmas real.

I grabbed Mary Kathryn so hard this morning while the Polar Express was blaring in the background really loud for the 500th time, and I squeezed her and cried. I miss Mary Anna. As I have a baby girl in my arms this year, it seems so sweet, yet so hard. My heart aches. As I prepared little girl things for MK to open, I wept. And something about the itties tiny little toes make me miss MACs tiny little toes.

As I texted a friend yesterday about my heart feeling so sad, she reminded me about the line in Jesus Storybook Bible that says:

everything sad will come untrue

And as the advent reading The Greatest Gift said the other day:

The herald of the King calls to you in this moment to come away from the crush and the crowds, to come away to a space of stillness to be ready for the coming of the Lord.
In the wilderness there are a few roads, so Christ is the only Way.
Rest here.
The wilderness offers you grace: we are most prepared for Christ, for Christmas, when we confess we are mostly not prepared. Rest here. There is only room in us when we are done with us.

I think that’s where I’ve tried to be this year. As a “prepared” kinda gal, the Savior has put me in a place where I feel like I walk daily in the wilderness. Walking with something that I can’t bear. Walking without my baby. I don’t like to camp, and I do not like to feel unprepared, yet I find myself in the wilderness unprepared. Especially at Christmas.

Rest here.

Merry Christmas.

Even if the toes in your house aren’t tiny anymore, kiss those sweet feet and find the King wherever you can. In the barn without the pigs. Or way up high with the angels. However it is, just find Him. He is there. He is coming soon to redeem all. He has and will redeem Christmas.

Keep Walking. Especially at Christmas.

Dec 02

For all the mommas out there

I have had two friends within two days text me and tell me that they feel inadequate. They feel worn out, like they don’t have enough to give, that they’re not good enough, that they just can’t do it all, and the list goes on… Sadly, I get that feeling. I feel that way too my momma friends.

It stems from a society that asks a question like this:

Do you work OR stay at home?

The key there is the “OR” part. I am not saying that working and being a mom is not hard. I tried it once, and at that time it did not work for my family, but because the world is so “woman power” these days, we feel like because we are women that we have to conquer it all. And we are free to conquer and do and provide yes, but not everything. We just can’t. We are one person taking care of lots of persons.

Men tend to be able to conquer more on paper, because they have that “one person” at home making lots of things happen for them. We feel like we have to equally conquer all the things that our “men” conquer, all the while still conquering everything at home and for our children too. Insert feelings of inadequacy here.

I get it. I don’t sit down. I don’t slow down. I feel like because I am at home that my house should be perfect, my kids should look cute, and there should always be warm meals. Oh and I feel this pressure to somehow find a part-time job that I can squeeze in and work 10 hours a week and provide the extra 30 grand that my family needs. Insert inadequacy.

We need a break mommas. We need to stop. We have to. I made myself come home after dropping off my two-year old wild man at moms day out, and I put the itty down, and I took some time for myself. It isn’t lazy or lack of motivation, it is working on this feeling of inadequacy. This advent season I am determined to read the gospel more, stare at my tree, have warm mugs of yummy things during nap time, and let this rich season set me up to stop feeling like it is my job to conquer it all. Because I just can’t. And I don’t have to.

Rejoice, Rejoice. Emmanuel.

He, our Emmanuel, came so we could stop this feeling like it is in our control to conquer. He already conquered.

Mercy friends. I saw this last night as William snatched a piece of nativity out of a little girls hand and said “THAT’S MY BABY JESUS”. I busted out laughing and wasn’t sure if I was more puffed up like “wahahha my two-year old knows who baby Jesus is”, or more embarrassed like “holy cow my two-year old just snatched baby Jesus, wow our nativity mindset needs some serious work”. Either way, talk about #momfail.

So I truly pray that as we welcome baby Jesus that we don’t snatch him away and want Him in the form of a toddler {selfish}, but that we come as an innocent babe and look at the wonder of this season. In the midst of inadequacy, hurt, loss, sorrow, messy houses, dirty dishes, miscarriages, broken relationships, and sinful children, I hope that somehow we find Jesus. He’s in this. We just have to look for Him.

Keep Walking Mommas.

YOU are worth something.

Something BIG.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6