Oct 27

Gallery Wall

I have always wanted one of those cool gallery walls in my home with lots of family photos in one place. When we bought our house, I found the perfect place to do just that, and I also happened to find the perfect cooper frames on sale, so it was one of my first new house purchases. They sat in boxes for a while and got super dusty in the midst of our renovation, and then before Mary Kathryn was born, I was insistent that we get them hung.

Dan agreed and hung them for me one day during nap time. I’m not sure about your marriage, but in ours, hanging pictures is quite the stretch on marital commitment….

I hate measuring. D measures too much.

The struggle is real.

We did it though, and they were hung nicely for about 6 months with no pictures in them. Such is life right?

Well, last Friday when I was trying to pack for being gone for five days with two little ones, I finally sat down to order some pictures for my gallery wall. Because that’s a great time to accomplish such a thing right? The pictures came, and of course I did not order enough, but oh well… So far we have 3 out of 11 frames with pictures in them. I count it as major progress people.

I also ordered a newborn picture of Mary Kathryn to hang down our hallway. We have a picture of Mary Anna in a big frame and right next to it a picture of William, and poor MK just hasn’t made it to the wall yet. The truth is that I have had time to do these things, but I just frankly avoid them.

As Dan sat on our stairs yesterday and patiently centered the black and white pictures into my copper frames, we both were pretty silent. The first picture that he did was one of our favorites of Mary Anna, but it’s still the same picture at the same age, and nothing about it has changed and nothing will change. You see, as we grow as family my gallery wall will too, but the same pictures of MAC will just continue to rotate.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

Today I tried MKs’ costume on her. She’s a fuzzy white lamb. And like I mean she’s the cutest. I can’t even handle it. But dressing her up makes me ache. The frames make me ache. Life makes me ache.

In a funny way, my kids somehow became a lion and a lamb for Halloween this year. We don’t really love Halloween at our house, but it is fun to dress up and have an excuse to eat sweets with our friends. We really focus on Thanksgiving around our house. As I have processed my little lion and lamb this year and the hole that is in our family with MAC not being here, I can’t help but cling to the true lion and the lamb, Jesus.

I didn’t plan for their fuzzy costumes to be Biblical at all. Seriously. It just happened to be the least tacky costumes at Target in their sizes, but it’s somehow helped me this year.

http://www.paultripp.com/sermons#!/swx/pp/media_archives/170495/episode/62923

This sermon hits on all of this, so if you have time listen please.

So enjoy your fuzzy animals this weekend. Soak up the littles, because it’s true that babies don’t keep. And focus your eyes on the lion and the lamb.

…”Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals.” Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne…
Revelation 5:5-6

Keep Walking.

Oct 13

Pumpkins

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I know people get tired of the whole pumpkin obsession, but I 100% don’t. Like please when fall comes, give me pumpkin EVERYTHING! I mean it. Thanks.

I try not to eat bagels and cream cheese daily for the sake of my thighs and everyone who has to look at them, but today I was/am in a funk. It can’t be shaken. I bought pumpkin cream cheese and cinnamon raisin english muffins, because I was at Trader Joe’s, and that store just gets why everything should come in the form of pumpkin.

Sunday night I texted my mom and asked her to come Monday morning, because I just couldn’t do Monday alone this week. She came, we got a flu shot, went to target, and we got pumpkins.

All of these things make me happy, but they also make me ache. I realize as the air is slowly turning crisp and the days keep getting shorter, that there is this pit in my stomach that I just can’t seem to shake. Hence the funk today.

I miss my girl.

She would be 3, and she would love pumpkins. Because her momma does. Her tiny white pumpkin sits on our porch right now, and I just smile picturing her carrying it around and giggling.

A friend texted me this last night…

To the grieving parent: On the days when no one but you mentions their name, I am so, so sorry. Say their name bravely. Know that they are still real, they were still here, and you are still theirs.
-unknown

 

So that’s what I am going to do today. Eat my cream cheese and say Mary Anna proudly. It won’t take the funk away or make my head hurt any less, but at least I can know that she was real, she was here, and she is still mine.

Mary Anna,

My angel pumpkin girl. I miss you so deeply. I love the cool weather, and all I want to do today is order cozy sweaters from anthro, eat pumpkin things, and hold your tiny little hand. It hurts so bad to live without you here with us. I love you. I love you. I love you.

-your momma

Keep Walking.