Sep 20

… and never grow up

It’s one of those nights that you just want to remember forever…

It’s nothing fancy or out of the ordinary, but it’s just life in its simplest form.

I made a yummy dinner of eggplant pizzas from fresh eggplant from the farmers market. We had homemade sourdough bread dipped in olive oil and an easy salad with walnuts and a vinaigrette dressing. I had the kids bathed before daddy got home, and had Ray LaMontagne’s Pandora station playing on the t.v.

Not everything was perfect. William proceeded to throw lots of water out of the tub, while I was trying to get Mary Kathryn’s jammies on her. Daddy was home later than normal. It was too hot to play outside, so we had all been inside since early afternoon, but it was perfect in the most ordinary of Monday’s kinda way.

I sit now with some tunes softly playing, William jumping around the house saying “jumpin, jumpin, jumpin!”, and itty is sleeping in the swing. And buddy just stooped by the computer to say “hey mommy!”.

These are the nights that I want to savor. Nothing fancy or perfect but just ordinary.

Daddy just said, “Can we have a night like this every night and can y’all never grow up.” Amen daddy!

So I’ll go to sleep tonight with a full belly, probably some ice cream here in a bit and another glass of wine, and I will forever remember these nights…

with my people…

and we will cherish the ordinary but yet so perfect nights like these.

Keep Walking!

Sep 13

Choices

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I love the saying the struggle is real

Like today when I tried to do the simple task of grabbing some groceries, and Mary Kathryn (3 months) was asleep, and William (2) was already requesting a certain cart in the parking lot. I put the itty in the ergo baby carrier, and grabbed the shoeless toddler, and I walked up to the store, and some nice lady was like can I help you??. I kinda giggled and said no I really am okay, but I was thinking man the struggle is REAL.

Choices…

We have them everyday. Big and small. I chose tp eat William’s soggy pancakes this morning, because I was still hungry, and I mean that’s just motherhood. I chose to make another cup of coffee during nap time and write instead of taking a nap myself, because I just needed it today. I chose to go to the grocery store instead of this new delivery thing…

Can we take a moment? They deliver your groceries, bring them in your house, and set them on your counter top! Hello! Can I get an AMEN?

Yeah, I was going to sign up today, but they charge extra for groceries, and again, we make the choice for me to stay at home, so I loaded up the troops and got my groceries myself. The budget is real too y’all.

I choose marriage. I choose my husband. Today in a culture of divorce and half done marriages, I wake up and choose him. Even on the days when he looks at me and says, you know I think I really do get on your nerves! Haha! He does, but I choose him.

And let me take a note that Dan and I made the choice for me to stay at home, and although it may seem glamorous, it is not a choice of out plenty. If any, it is a choice that brings great need. It was a choice we made for our family. William tells me a lot mommy car break, because my car seems to be struggling, and I laugh and say yes buddy, but mommy car break so she can stay with buddy. He usually responds yeah.

He says yeah a lot.

We have been given this grand task from our pastor to work on our life’s mission, and as I contemplate that, it has brought up why I am doing what I am doing, and so it has then even further to spot light my choices. I think to narrow down this mission that he speaks of, I have to know why I choose what I choose.

So today…

I choose Dan the man.

I choose Mary Anna, William, and Mary Kathryn.

I choose to pray more and read more.

I choose to stay at home and flourish at home.

I choose to drink coffee a lot.

I choose yoga pants more than jeans. because… yeah…

I choose to enjoy feeding my family.

I choose life.

I choose a lot of things and this list will continue to grow… But I think it’s just dawned on me to remind ourselves what we choose, and why we choose those things, because in a fast-paced grocery delivering, instagram shopping world, it easy to not choose the right things.

Most importantly, I choose Jesus.

Dan decided we should read Psalms together and read a new chapter everyday. Well I forgot to read day 1-3, so I read those last night, but I chose to make myself read chapter 4 this morning, before I made up 5 million excuses of why I was too busy to do such a thing…

Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you turn my glory
into shame?
How long will you love delusions and 
seek false gods?
Know that the Lord has set apart the godly
for himself;
the Lord will hear when I call to him.

In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the Lord.

Many are asking, “Who can show us any
good?’
Let the light of your face shine upon us,
O Lord.
You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine
abound.
I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
Psalms 4

And after I finished I texted him this: Know the Lord will hear when I call… Reminded me that HE does hear our prayers. Man I need to be praying more.

Keep Walking

Sep 07

The Juggle

It’s okay to ache and be full at the same time. We are living in the already/not yet of the kingdom coming. Everything you’re feeling is the gospel.
-r.s.m.

A dear friend texted me that yesterday…

I was sitting on the couch holding my itty on my legs and sobbing. She was peacefully looking at me and sucking her paci, and I could not do anything to stop the tears. I hugged her a few times, prayed over her, and kept crying.

All I could put my finger on was that grief is so draining. We’re going through a lot of transitions at our house right now, and transitions are hard, and they’re especially hard when you have little ones under your feet. I forget how heavy grief is until life gets harder, and then I realize that waking up everyday is hard, and then you throw a wrench in the machine…

I mean there’s nothing to really do but just say: damn.

I try not to cus, except for pressing moments like stubbing your toe so hard it bleeds or pouring coffee on your newborns head {not that I’ve ever done such a thing}, but I mean sometimes there’s no other word to describe it.

Just sayin….

If you’re more noble and proper than me, bless you. Maybe one day i’ll be like you.

It kinda hit me in the midst of my tears, thinking through all the changes, anger, happiness, etc., that everyone goes through stages of grief and hard times. It’s just a fact of life.

BUT

There are a few of us that walk with that grief everyday. Every. Single. Day.

It does not diminish the grief or hurt that others feel, but there’s this little club of people who have to learn how to cope with 24/7, 365 grief. That process is hard. Like really hard y’all. And the truth is that it’s not a my life is harder than yours game by any means, it’s just the reality.

The Lord has been reminding me so much lately that, as a friend of mine says all the time, that comparison is the thief of joy. She’s so right. I don’t compare, because I can’t. I don’t have friends who have lost their babies in their arms, and I would drown daily if I compared my loss to their life. So what I can do is cling to the promises of the King of Kings, and cry and cus from time to time and just try to…

Keep Walking

Even when I do feel like life is heavy… Thankfully my baby girl taught me that life’s just about taking that next step. Sometimes you start to step, you trip, maybe skin your knee, maybe even break a leg, but we all stand up and start walking again eventually.