Aug 27

Bittersweet

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So there’s this thing that my husband loves to do, and it’s go to restaurants or movies alone. Like really? Is that even normal? It’s the most bizarre thing to my extroverted self. If I did such a thing, then I would  spend all my time feeling lonely, but to him it is peaceful. It’s something we have always debated in the years and years that we’ve been together.

Sadly, this has seemed like a season of life where I go to restaurants alone a lot and walk away feeling isolated and lonely. When it’s against my nature, then it makes it feel even more glaring.

As I get older, and sure I’m not quite old yet, but in the realm of life experiences, I should truly be on oxygen at this point. I realize that the Lord puts us in seasons of plenty and in seasons of isolation. I am not the best at resting during the season of isolation.

I texted a close friend recently that lives in Auburn, the place where a lot of times I feel like all of my problems would go away if we could just move back to that quaint little town. not true. And I told her that I feel like I am everyone’s second and third string friend, and I missed having her as a first string friend in my daily life. It’s true. I mean I have been given some SUPER cherishable and enviable friendships lately, but I am still not anyone’s “person” here.

Let me take a break by explaining your person. Your person is the one who no matter what is going on they ALWAYS get you. They can usually say what you’re thinking before you say it. Typically it’s not your spouse, even though they’re your person too, but it’s just different when it’s someone of the same gender. They can go into a store and know what you would buy and what you wouldn’t. Usually, they’re a different personality type than your own, and you can enjoy laughing at each others strengths and weaknesses. No competition. No comparison. No explanation. Just living life together. Through it all.

Like right now, I am sick and feeling even more isolated, because my toddler is at BB and Doc’s house (grandparents) and my infant is sleeping and my hubs is working (on a saturday, vomit!), so I need my person to drop off a muffin and a latte on my doorstep, because they know that’s what I love when I’m sick. Instead I went and got it alone this morning with the itty.

Don’t get me wrong, I am capable of getting my own muffin and cappuccino, but it’s just the feeling of knowing that they’re there. I have a few persons that are those people to me, and they’re only a phone call away, but it just stinks when you don’t share the same grocery store and coffee shop with them.

During this season of isolation, I have come to realize that I don’t like isolation, and yet the Lord has been rich in his mercy to show me that I don’t like it, because I don’t want to sit still long enough to recognize the pain that I face everyday.

Be strong and courageous, because you will lead the people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey al the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.
Joshua 1:6-7

My Auburn momma used to always say this verse to me. Do not look to the right or to the left Kari. Don’t do it. I spend too much time looking to the right or left and not looking to Him.

Even in isolation, He is enough. He will sustain.

I started this book at the beach, which is kinda my thing. Read about 3 chapters in a book, keep my bookmark there and think about picking it up for a while, and then giving up on finishing the book, because my type AAAA self is too worried about keeping the house clean and making to do lists to sit down and read. I mean come on stay at home mommas, really? Reading! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Bizarre, because I would kinda like to write a book one day. Guess I better become a better reader first.

Anyways, this book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist is just rich and good. Read it. Even if you don’t get past the first chapter. She says this:

When your life is easy, a lot of the really crucial parts of Christian doctrine and life are nice theories, but you don’t really need them. When, however, death of any kind is staring you in the face, all of a sudden rebirth and new life are very, very important to you.

Just like one of my persons texted me last week, I feel like our conversation about Mary Anna and Mary Kathryn is the definition of bittersweet. That’s kinda my theme right now I guess. Trying to wade through the bittersweetness of a baby girl who’s with Jesus and another one who’s in my arms, all the while tacking life with a busy 2 year old, a husband who works a lot, and some isolation mixed with lots of snuggles, cookies, and laughter too.

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…when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.
-bittersweet

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Keep Walking.