Jul 17

3

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Mary Anna,

It was your 3rd birthday on Thursday, and today is the anniversary of the day that you went to heaven. Sometimes I don’t know which day is harder for me, or if it is the days leading up to your special the day and the days in between your birthday and today that I recollect on those short, yet long 4 days that we had with you. I fell asleep last night crying, because I was remembering the last moments that we had with you the night before you left this earth.

Baby girl, I wanted to write you this letter on your birthday, but I got really sick, and I just had a horrible day. A horrible day, because I physically felt as bad as I did emotionally.

We released 14 pink balloons and sang you to on your birthday. We will always celebrate your special day.

I have spent most of this week wondering what your voice would have sounded like. Your little brother talks ALL the time, and I think that he has the cutest little voice.

And now I look at your little sister, and can’t help but imagine how you would’ve grown and looked as you grew. She looks just like you, and it melts me.

My angel, I don’t know what to say or think, but that we miss you and love you deeply. You used to jump in my belly when I played music, and music still speaks to me. One of your daddy and my favorite bands came out with this new song this week, and it was fitting because it remind us of you.

I don’t want any relief

Cause I don’t wanna let you go right now.

Close my eyes and think of you

Go to sleep and dream of you

We don’t get to be here long.

Baby girl, I am glad that I don’t have to be here much longer without you. I am glad that life on earth is not it. You are the promise of heaven that points me to Jesus. You taught me how to long to be with Him. What a gift. You are my greatest treasure.

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I know you found the promise land

But I’m still here and I’m missing you.

Keep Walking.

Jul 11

Mad

I am just mad today.

Just flat mad.

I caught myself being mad at everyone in my life for no plain reason. Well, I mean the reason is that Mary Anna’s birthday and the anniversary of her death are all happening in the next 7 days, and I just dread all of them.

I have been stuck. I can’t print Mary Kathryn’s birth announcement. I can’t plan William’s 2nd birthday party. I just can’t.

Today after my heart was just cold at life, I decided to go on a run. Dan was on a bike ride while the babies were napping, so I greeted him at the door ready to go.

He said, “I think you need some fresh air, so go run…” I said, “bye”.

I started running during the hottest part of the day as fast as I possibly could. I am 5 weeks post partum, and I have very little stamina, but I just ran.

With this song on repeat.

baby, i’m not moving on, i’ll love you long after you’re gone

I ran fast.

and long after you’re gone, gone, gone

And faster.

for you, for you…

I remembered the way she looked the moment she was born, and how happy my heart was.

you’re my back bone, you’re my cornerstone, you’re my crutch when my legs stop moving

Hear little noises were in my ears, and my eyes could see only her eyes.

you’re the pulse that I’ve always needed

And I fell. I fell flat on my face. I scraped my knee, leg, both hands, and there was blood dripping off my finger.

like a drum baby don’t stop beating 

I stood up, and I started running again. Sobbing. I kept running.

like a drum, my heart never stops beating…

I ran until I could barely breathe.

for you

I was mad, because I just want her back. I want my Mary Anna in my arms, not in my memory.

baby, i’m not moving on, i’ll love you long after you’re gone

I opened the door, walked in, and burst into tears again. My sweet babies and hubs greeted me, and they were what I needed.

Grief hurts.

I showed D my wounds, and he tenderly said, “Somehow, this is just fitting karebear. I am sorry. But.. this would happen.”

I’m hurting literally and physically.

i’ll love you long after you’re gone, gone, gone. my sweet Mary Anna.

Keep Walking.

Jul 05

Strong

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To be honest, it used to, sometimes still does, annoy me when people say to me “you’re strong.” I guess it bothered me, because I felt like they indirectly were saying that I was strong enough to handle losing my baby, but they weren’t.

There truly is not a single person on earth that is strong enough to walk through heavy grief. Not one person.

I knew it would annoy me when that comment would be thrown around, but until this morning I could not put my finger on why it always got under my skin.

It’s rainy today…

We’re all tired from a fun-filled weekend at home with people that we love…

Mary Kathryn is napping…

William was watching the iPad like a good 21st century toddler…

And I sat down to read. Yep. Read the Bible.

I wish I could say that I did it fervently for hours daily, but I just don’t, but today it all made sense…

The end of today’s reading in New Morning Mercies by PDT said this:

Sometime in the next week, you’ll be confronted with your weakness; when you are, you’ll either work to convince yourself you’re strong or you’ll run to the One who is.

And that’s when it hit me. I am not strong. I am not any stronger than anyone else is. I just learned that the only way to find the strength to get up each day without my sweet girl here was to run to the One who is strong.

Not all stories of grief are as extreme as mine, but that truth is what Mary Anna helped me learn. That I truly don’t have to be strong or try to be strong anymore. And PDT says it better than I could again:

He calls you to mountains too big to climb so that in your inability, you will look to Him.

I hate when the calendar says July. I really do. It reminds me of the days of fear leading up to Mary Anna’s birth, it causes a pit in my stomach remembering how joyful I was the day that she was born and not knowing what was to come, it makes me want to crawl in a hole dreading the day that I held her while she was leaving me, and then it’s William’s birthday a few days later….

I mean come on… I am always filled with guilt, because planning a party for him is too much, yet I want to celebrate him. But dang. It’s all too close together.

I am not strong y’all. You aren’t either. But He is.

Who among the gods is like you, O Lord?
Who is like you-
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed
In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.

Exodus 15:11,13

Keep Walking.