Jun 27

Truth


I was getting my eyebrows waxed last week, and the girl was young and immature who was doing it, and she began talking about her baby boy. He is 3 months old, and she began jokingly telling me how he goes to daycare so that she can work, which I am not judging, but the next part is what got me. She laughed and said, “I mean it works out because when we get home, I feed him and throw him in the bed, and I really don’t have to deal with him.”

I kinda laid there baffled. Let her finish, and then I scurried out, because I had a rare 5 minutes without both babes.

I mean don’t get me wrong, staying at home is HARD. There are days that I feel like I am losing my mind, but it is a cherished calling to raise my babies.

There are moms who choose to work for various reasons, and I am not here to make a call on those things, but the attitude is what got me.

The whole “I don’t have to deal with him” line…

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry or cus or just smack some sense into that girl, but instead I remained silent.

As my day goes along today, I realize how crazy these babies make life. It took me over an hour to go to the UPS store with a prepaid label, grab a smoothie, and pick up a gallon of milk. Like hello!

But this calling to be a parent or in my case, a mommy, is the highest calling from the Lord. Where have we gotten in our society that it’s funny to joke about not having to “deal with” our children.

Seriously.

We all think it at times, but my heart has been heavy since last Friday for that mentality in our culture.

I just pray as I take a deep breath during nap time that the Lord softens our selfish and self-indulging generation to cherish these lives and relish in the gift that HE has given us. To realize the responsibility as a parent to love and nurture these little adults and to stop looking at them as a hindrance to “our plans”.

My heart and mind isn’t always there, but thankfully my sweet Mary Anna has helped me cherish my two babies more and more, because I saw first hand what it was like to have to let one of my own go all too soon.

Soak up these years friends. If you’re a bit crazy or tired, then it’s okay… These babes are gone from our nests way too fast, and the world wants nothing more than to snatch them up and make them feel unworthy, so why don’t we use the time that we have to show them that they are worthy to be loved.

To be loved by the King of Kings.

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, 

for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16

Version 2

These are the days to be cherished…

Keep Walking

Jun 11

June 3, 2016

DSC_5481

On June 3, I felt the Lord’s kindness to me.

To us.

It was real.

It was big.

It was at 2:30 a.m.

They handed me our sweetest little angel, Mary Kathryn, and I just couldn’t help but smile. My whole body was shaking, and there were tons of doctors and nurses around and lots of bright lights, but all I could do is focus on her little face.

She looked just like her big sister.

It was the sweetest and the hardest moment to hold her instantly, because I had never experienced that. Both Mary Anna and William were taken from me immediately at birth, so I was shocked when they handed her little body to me, and said “here mom!”.

I really didn’t process this moment until two days ago when my best friend and I briefly chatted, and all she said was, “Karebear, how are you emotionally?”. I started to softly cry, because I hadn’t really thought about myself since my mind had been on making sure William wasn’t feeling neglected and getting used to our tiniest new family member.

I took a deep breath, and said that I was finally happy. I began to just spill what was in my heart even though I honestly didn’t know what I was feeling until she asked me.

You see, I lost Mary Anna, got pregnant 3 months later, experienced all the “firsts” of a loss simultaneously with a new pregnancy, then we had William, and lots of other huge life events followed. Once we moved to Birmingham, I began counseling for the first time about the time that I found out I was pregnant again, and Dan had 3 jobs in about 6 months. It has been a whirlwind for 3 years now. And I have spent a lot of that time really numb.

As I held Mary Kathryn, I realized that the Lord was kind. I think that I had forgotten that. I have had really happy moments, and loved being Williams mommy, but I hadn’t felt the Lord’s kindness and truly enjoyed it in a loooooong time.

Holding her is painful. She is so much like her sister if not an identical clone. The first time she held my finger, I wept, because for a moment I thought she was Mary Anna. The first time I brushed her hair I wept, because they have the same hairline. My heart explodes and weeps constantly these days.

Yet somehow in the joy and sorrow, I feel the Lord being so truly kind to us. Our journey is not one to covet, and as someone told me not long after we gave our sweet girl back to the Lord, “You lost your innocence way too young.” And we did.

D and I notice it a lot with friends that we just look at things and feel differently than most people our age, because tragic things don’t often happen at 25 years old. We had barely filed our own taxes before we were making funeral arrangements for our baby girl. We were just babies ourselves.

We are still babies!

I woke up this morning tired, and I could hear W giggling down the hall. Dan was making omelets, and Mary Kathryn was ready to nurse. I grabbed her and walked down the hall realizing how sweet these days are. We are tired and not doing much, but we have been given a LIFE. A gift. Not to be taken for granted, but to cherish. We don’t cherish life these days enough.

So I’ll cry when I need to cry, and smile when I can smile, because in the midst of life’s ups and downs, the Lord is kind. Even when it doesn’t feel that way… He is Kind. He is good. He is King.

the steadfast Love of the Lord NEVER ceases

His mercies NEVER come to an end,

they are NEW every morning

great is YOUR faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23