Apr 24

There’s Grace…

A lot of my writing hinges from the reality that there is so much that I wish people would have or will currently say to me or do for me or release me of. I was encouraged to write early on after losing Mary Anna, and I wrote more frequently back then due to the lack of a toddler hanging on my leg, and now my house is busy and messy and different than it was almost 3 years ago, but there’s still so much that I continue to learn.

I got to church this morning and realized that I had lipstick on my teeth, my dress had a stain on it that I forgot existed {should’ve given it to goodwill last time I wore it}, and my head just hurt. I’m basically 9 months pregnant, and I am just flat worn out. I debated being embarrassed about my nice stain, and then I figured I’d forget it. Thanks to a friend who recently gave me the book For the Love by Jen Hatmaker {get this book}, I have had a recent attitude of I just can’t do it all.

A lot of the last 3 years of my life have been spent battling guilt. Guilt because I….

should or should not be in counseling…

haven’t made this or that person feel comfortable enough in my grief…

should or should not have more kids this soon after losing a baby…

haven’t gone to this or that event..

need to be released.. wait need to do more…

told to walk away from a relationship…

being guilted because I walked away from a relationship

leave William more with a baby sitter and then feeling guilty because it’s too hard…

guilt, guilt, guilt.

We are just too hard on each other people… I mean really. I have felt more shunned and less love than I would care to admit. And yet, most of the time, I am left to feel like it’s my fault, because I have changed. Why yes, I have changed. I lost my daughter. I am not the same.

BUT I am not supposed to be.

As we sang this song in church today, I began to really listen to the words with my eyes closed, and I realized that I am not enough for most people, but I am enough for my Savior.

Yesterday we hung curtains in sweet Mary Kathryn’s nursery. They were the same curtains that we hung 3 years ago in Mary Anna’s nursery as we anticipated her life. William was riding the cozy coupe around and Dan was measuring to make sure they were perfect, and I stood there and began to weep.

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Guilt.

I felt so guilty trying to prepare for MK using MA’s stuff, yet I felt guilty for feeling guilty. D grabbed me and hugged me, and little W was making truck noises and babbling at our feet. There was mercy there in that moment.

So as I stood and sang these words:

Before the throne of God above,
I have a strong and perfect plea,

A great High Priest whose name is “Love,”
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

When Satan tempts me to despair;
And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
….

I realized that there is a release from this guilt, and I just can’t do it all. I just can’t.

So we eagerly await our 3rd baby, and we process what we can and do what we can, and we just try our best to cling to each other. As we lay in bed last night, D asked me if I was okay. I quietly said, “I think so.” And he said, “You know, I don’t know how we are here or how we are having another baby and how we are making it. I really don’t. If it weren’t for Jesus, we wouldn’t be here Karebear.” I gave him a hug, and we went to sleep.

Thankfully that great High Priest is the reason we can Keep Walking.

Happy Sunday. Enjoy your people today. And take a nap. That’s what we’re doing….

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Keep Walking baby boy, Keep Walking.

Apr 11

Hallway

A friend texted me the other day and asked how I was, and she told me that she likes when I write, because it gives her a window into my heart. I told her that my computer had been in a closet for almost two months now, and I promised to write soon.

Well the computer is finally plugged in and working, so here I am…

We bought our first house after almost 7 years of marriage! Whew! It has been a whirlwind. We decided to buy a house that needed a little TLC, and after we moved in, we started a pretty major renovation. We thought that since Chip and Joanna Gaines seemed to do it so easily that we had this under control, but yeah not so much. Although, I am pretty sure that our version of “fixer upper” would’ve made for some good t.v.

For the past two months, we basically weren’t able to live in our house although all of our stuff was here, so we spent weeks and weeks going back and forth to my parents and eating out a lot, because we had no kitchen. All of this to say, we have learned a lot, we are in our house, and we would do it all again, but we would do it very differently next time. If there’s a next time!

So as I sit down to realize that my bank account was overdrawn, we have put too much on our credit card, my to do list is full of things that I can’t do very pregnant alone, and my head hurts, because I never finished my cup of coffee, I decided the best thing to do was just to start writing again…

I am due with our second baby girl so soon, and I am just a mess.

A true mess.

I realized a few weeks ago, that the hallway to our bedrooms makes me really sad. Every place that we have lived in has always had a “space” for Mary Anna, and now we fill up this hallway as we prepare for Mary Kathryn (p.s. that’s new baby girl’s name). Another baby girl. Another house where Mary Anna won’t live in. Another place to process that MAC is gone.

I stand in Mary Kathryn’s room, and it is a lot to take in. There is pink in our house again, and it is a lot for my heart to try to understand.

Last week our pastor called because he knew that we were paddling up-stream a lot these days, and he offered to come by and help me with some stuff around the house. He and a friend showed up, and put together MK’s crib, and moved tons of boxes into our kitchen, so that I could unpack them. We had been using the nursery as a storage room for everything that could not be put up due to the dust and holes in the ceiling that were caused by the renovation. So this room that is going to hold my newest little girl soon has just been hard and a true literal and physical disaster.

As I have slowly made my way through the boxes and started sorting baby things and getting more prepared for her, I have realized that each time I turn the corner to walk down our hallway that something is yet again missing. I feel overwhmeled with gratitude for this new life that is coming soon, but yet our house still has a huge hole. And it’s not in the ceiling anymore.

So I’ll just continue to try to tackle all of this. Day by day. Moment by moment.

D and I skipped away last weekend for a short babymoon, and we spent most of our time sitting by the water processing all that has been going on lately. We planned for the future, took a nap, ate way too much, and cried a good bit. Most of these emotions finally came out, and we both realized how hard it is to welcome a new life into our home.

William was the sweetest treasure after our loss, but it was truly a lot emotionally to process him living and Mary Anna dying. And you would think it would get easier, and honestly it just doesn’t.

So here’s to April. A new month. A new house. Hopefully not a new baby until May, but a new baby! And a new start for the Caldwell family.

I think I’ll do what I normally do about now and that is forget my epic to do list, and try to take a nap.

In the words of baby William: night night truck, night night dog dog, night night mama and dada, night night. night night.