We were having a casual dinner at our house recently with some friends that we have recently become really close with. They’re the kind that you feel like you’ve known them you’re whole life, yet wondering where they have been all your life at the same time! So needless to say, we are still getting to truly know each other at this point.
As we were eating some greasy hamburgers grilled by Dan, the guy said to me that he would guess that I was an introvert, and Dan was an extrovert. Well anyone who has known us a long time would laugh at that.
I remember when D and I first started dating that I would have to nudge him to talk to people in crowds. He is typically more reserved, and I am more loud. He gets his energy from down time, and I get mine from being with people.
I really need people.
Yet even though this comment kinda bothered me at first, I kept chewing on it, and I realized his statement was profound. I think grief has caused me to be much more introverted.
As we drove to a new small group, I realized this exact statement to be true, as my hands started to get clammy, and I just was nervous to walk into the house and meet new people and express my prayer requests. D had to give me a pep talk to go in.
As someone told me, You really should come to the women’s retreat… What! A retreat full of women that I don’t know, where I am stuck in a cabin with them all weekend? Talk about claustrophobic.
Lastly as I was having an emotional talk with my big sister recently, and we were discussing how different that I had become since Mary Anna.
Now these differences aren’t all bad, but it’s almost like I am having to re-learn myself. Especially when someone who barely knows me begins to peg me more than I can peg myself.
So, I am slowly learning myself more lately, and realizing that maybe his comment, that he probably doesn’t even remember, is more true than I knew it was. I still need people, but my heart and soul are much more introverted now.
And somehow Dr. Dan has become the life of the par-tay! Who would’ve thought?!?
And baby William, he is the party!
My sweet Mary Anna,
Your life was so real that it hurts. I am thankful that you have caused me to learn who I truly am.
Christmas makes me ache for your soft skin and your sweet face so much more. I hung your stocking with care this year, and I can’t bear to make a Christmas card, because I wish you were on it with us. Thank you for always truly being with us. I will never look at a manger scene again without knowing how much you teach me of baby Jesus.
I told your daddy as I cried the whole way home from church this past week, that I still can not fathom how God could have saved Jesus from the cross, and he chose not to for a sinner like me, because I would not have made that same choice when it came to your life.
Merry Christmas sweet angel baby.
We love you deeply,