I was sitting today watching this sweet little girl coloring on her church order of worship. She had the cutest little braids, one on each side of her head, and she had 3 colors in her small little hands. I think we were praying? Or something like that I am sure….
And I just sat there with small tears welling up, and thought…
This morning I woke up feeling sad, and as I watched that little girl during church, I could not shake the feeling.
It came around time for communion, and I sat there debating if I should take of the elements. I wondered if my heart was fully trusting of the Lord or not…
I closed my eyes as we sang The First Noel, and I just quietly prayed.
And as I eventually ate the bread and drank the wine, I realized that time truly does not heal all wounds.
For days, months, and years after we had Mary Anna, people said this really annoying phrase to me: time heals all wounds.
This is one thing that I would say to please never say to someone who is hurting. Just don’t.
Because time helps but time does not heal completely.
I heard that it was all of the “firsts” that were the worst. And then I heard that during the “firsts” you were just numb, so once you got through year “two”, then things would be better…
But you just can’t put that kind of pressure on people.
I sat in the corner of my parents kitchen and sobbed uncontrollably the night before Thanksgiving this past week, and I told my mom that: It just does not get easier to not set a place at the table for Mary Anna.
And guess what? It was my third Thanksgiving without her, so what time does do is give you perspective and time to grieve and process, but it does not make the pain go away.
So I woke up the next morning, and found index cards for everyone sitting around our table, and I wrote out verses of thankfulness to our King of Kings.
So I took communion this Sunday while praying: Lord help my heart understand your will, your plans, and help me trust you even though it just hurts. It hurts bad. I just miss her, and I wish Mary Anna was coloring in between me and D. But I trust you Lord.
You see as we end thanksgiving and we look towards the season of the coming King, let our hearts draw near to the brokenhearted. Let us try not to push them away with our timelines and weariness of their sadness.
Because that is exactly what Jesus does. He draws near to us just as we are without any restrictions and clearly just says to us: Trust in Me. For I am enough.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
Happy Thanksgiving and Keep Walking, my friends!