Sep 23

Dissatisfaction

You know… in some ways I think we are all too satisfied here. It sounds a little backwards, but we put so much emphasis on the right body, house, amount of children, spouse, bank account, and even church, and in those things we find deep satisfaction. Yet, they still do not satisfy us, so we want more.

and more.

and more.

But why? Because in all reality, we should not be satisfied here.

I was listening to a song tonight while reading to William before bed and it said:

Your rod and your staff are a strange mercy in a world where I’m not yet home.

A lot of times when I think to write, I start writing in my head long before I type. I pray over the things that I feel like I should write, and when I feel ready, then I type and hit submit. My heart was thinking about how we need to be more satisfied, and then it hit me that maybe that isn’t the answer.

Maybe being dissatisfied is right where Jesus wants us. Because in deep dissatisfaction here on earth, we begin to find deep satisfaction in Him.

In Heaven.

Which is where our satisfaction should be anyways right?

 And I will dwell in your house forever

I will dwell in your house forever

I will dwell in your house forever

Lead me on.

Sep 16

Little Reminders

I have this friend, and she’s not just like a good friend, but she’s like “you deserve an award” kind of a friend. We love each other dearly, and we haven’t lived in the same state for years, but somehow she just gets me. The two of us are as opposite as they come, so it’s funny at times that we are even friends.

Talking to her is like therapy.

The only thing better than a good phone therapy with her is about once a year when we get to see each other, and we find every excuse to drink lots of coffee, and eat lots of sweets together.

Well I was talking to her today, and I was processing a lot of my feelings lately, and I realized a lot of things that I didn’t know that I was even feeling until I said them out loud.

We shed a few tears together like we always do, and then we had to hang up.

But from that point on, I just kinda felt a little discouraged. Sometimes when you bottle up your feelings, then when they finally surface themselves, then it just takes a little time to process them all.

Atleast that’s the case for me.

So, I felt extra lonely today. I wished we lived closer. I wished that more people would cry with me. I wished that Mary Anna was here.

I was supposed to eat scrambled eggs for dinner to save money, because D was working, but I decided to order to go from a local place, and eat outside with W and just take in the cool weather. So we did just that! Me and my buddy had a little evening together.

After I give William his bath, we usually read on the sofa and pray for a bit before bed. He kept handing me the same book over and over again, and I just kissed his head and told him, “You know buddy, I never get tired of reading the same book over and over to you, because your sister taught me that, she taught me to enjoy these moments.”

I saw something pink peeping through the blinds, so I grabbed him up, and went to the front porch to finish our prayers. And this is what we saw:

IMG_5222 IMG_5221

As I sat there swinging  and holding my baby boy, I couldn’t help but be thankful that the Lord continues to gift us with little glimpses of Mary Anna.

IMG_5223

I came inside and felt a little less lonely as I began to do the dishes, and fix myself some ice cream. I heard my phone buzz a few times, and I saw these pictures:

IMG_5224

IMG_5225

Both were from friends who were thinking of sweet Mary Anna too.

It’s just confirmation to me that God is real. And He is good. And He loves us. And He knows us.

So fix some ice cream, and know that even if you’re feeling lonely tonight too, there’s a God who loves you and meets you right where you are.

Sep 05

We’re Rich.

IMG_4753

I hung up the phone, pushed the dogs back, and opened the front door.
There was big and little buddy just swinging away on the porch.
Music was playing.
The sun was setting.
I grabbed the outdoor pouf and sat down.

I smiled.
Naturally took like 500 iPhone pictures.

Then I began to cry.

D said, “Are you okay?”
And I quietly whispered, “I just miss her.”
He said, “I do too, Karebear.”

You know, things don’t get easier, they just get more special.

Did you get that? They don’t get easier. They just get more special.

Moments like those, where my feet are sweating in my slippers because it’s hot outside, and my natural inclination would be to run inside, change shoes, start dinner, or something along those lines, but I don’t. I plop down and soak it all in.

Why? Because of her.

Because of Mary Anna.

We love music in our house. Like a lot. Like I should be a singer/song-writer, because I love it so much, but that’s just not my talent. It moves us. It make us laugh and cry and all things in between.

There’s a line from a song by a group called Judah & The Lion and it says:

We’re rich.
We don’t got no money.

My tears didn’t last that long, because I felt so rich. Not because we’re rich. We are far from that, but because we have been given the gift at a really young age to know what it truly means to be rich.

So naturally I had to instagram one of the precious pictures of W from the porch, and I wrote: God is so good to us. Because He is so good to us.

Dr. Dan and I are in a lot of transition right now. There’s been so many things that have happened that just continue to amaze me. I keep thinking that life will just get easier, and y’all it just doesn’t.

So with that… It’s Friday, I had cheese and crackers for dinner, and I think that we need to stop expecting the ones that we love to “get over things”, and let them learn to make life more special because of them.

Mary Anna,

Dear baby girl. I will never forget you. I thank you my angel for teaching me that I never have to get over you, but that because of you life is just a little bit sweeter. Thank you for teaching me that even though daddy and I aren’t rich, we are so very rich. We love you.

You always have my heart,
your mommy.

IMG_4758