I woke up this morning pretty quickly because I overslept. My sweet boy was just playing in his crib and smiling as always. I thought to myself, “Oh yeah, it’s my birthday.” I grabbed my buddy out of his crib, and we did our normal morning routine, and I decided because it was my day that we would go in our pi’s and get a latte as a treat. We did, and we came home for our morning nap. There is nothing fancy going on today, but on my happy day, I feel extra lonely.
I have always loved birthday’s, but losing my Mary Anna has made these days harder. I want to wake up ready to celebrate, but instead I wake up sad. I wake up with that hole in my heart seeming unbearable.
I wanted to write to you to process my feelings. I miss you always, but I am missing you extra today. I wish you knew how much I love birthday’s and celebrating and eating yummy treats. I wish that you were here to enjoy these things with me and say “Happy Birfday mama”, but you aren’t. I know that your daddy would have taught you to say that to me today, and so when I heard your brother making his silly baby noises, my heart just hurt for you my sweet girl. You created a space in my heart that I never knew that I had, and now even though people tell me that it will get better, until they have lost someone like you, they will never know that it only hurts worse the longer that I have to live without you. Mary Anna, thank you for letting me be your momma. You are my joy and my delight, and I long for eternity with you.
I will spend the rest of my day snuggling your brother and wishing that you were here with us. You will always be my baby girl.
I love you with every ounce of my being,