Jan 30

6 months

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Happy 6 months, baby William!

We did a 6 month photo shoot for this little bundle of happiness the day after his 1/2 birthday! It was a sweet time to document how much he has grown and the little boy that he is becoming. Sometimes I want to write about who he is, but I feel guilty, because the premise of me starting to write was to document the journey of grief. Although I do not want to stray too far from the reason that I started this blog, I do feel like being William’s mommy is rooted from being Mary Anna’s mommy.

So here’s the update on baby W:

  • starting solids
  • nursing A LOT
  • sitting up
  • rolling over front to back and back to front
  • giggle monster
  • babbling
  • teething but no teeth
  • sleeps 12 hours at night & 3 naps a day
  • happy, happy, happy!

It has been a journey to get here for sure, because the truth is that I was CLUELESS in what it took to be a full-time mommy. I previously was a nanny, and babysat a lot growing up, so normally I would think that I would be a pro with a newborn. NOT. Also, after two miscarriages and having baby Mary Anna, I will admit that I was very annoyed at people who tried to give me “first-time parenting advice”. Like really? This is not my first rodeo. The truth is that was/is my first rodeo of actively having a baby at home and really acting as a mommy.

I have three babies in heaven, and one of those I had the privilege of holding and naming and loving, so I have been a mom for years now, but having William entrusted to my care 24/7 was/is a whole new adventure.

For starters, being a stay at home mom does not equal doing nothing. It is a full-time JOB my friends. It is WORK! I love it, and I would not change a thing, but please think twice before you diminish moms who choose to stay at home. With that said, it is the best job that I have ever had. I feel so thankful every day to wake up to his sweet cheeks and fill all my time with being his mommy!

His 6 months have taught me so much about myself, my marriage, and about life. We miss our Mary Anna with every milestone that we get to see William accomplish, but it does not diminish the joy that our little buddy brings us. It’s like Dan says, “each day is the greatest joy mixed with the greatest sorrow.” So here’s a few more pictures to enjoy as we had the privilege to sing Happy half Birthday to our baby boy!

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We took our Mary Anna bear with us for the photo shoot. These pictures of W snuggling this sweet bear that we were given moments after we lost our baby girl are so precious to us.

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Thank you baby boy for teaching us how to Keep Walking.

Jan 23

Practical

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My dear friend,

You ask how I work through my emotions practically. The truth is that there is nothing practical about what you and I live everyday. Yesterday you looked at a picture of your baby boy free of wires, monitors, and genetic tests from a year ago, but the reality of what your life is like now compared to that picture last year is so different. You see, I have a similar picture of my Mary Anna, and the next day we had wires, monitors, and genetic tests, and the next day she was in heaven. Your baby boy and my baby girl’s stories are different, yet our hearts are so intertwined, because we want the same things, but is there really an answer to get there? Honestly, I do not think so without Jesus.

Jesus wept. John 11:35

I do not think that Jesus really HAD to weep, but it was a choice to show us how real the pain on this earth is to him. He knew, my friend. He wept for you and for me and for all the other brokenness here. What your baby boy lives in day-to-day is because our world is so broken, and why my baby girl died at 4 days old is because our world is so broken.

Someone recently asked my mom if I was over everything. You know all too well how those questions make your heart feel. We never get over watching our babies suffer. We never get over baby showers, first birthday parties, healthy births, the baby aisle at Target, holidays, and the list goes on. The truth is that even though we both have healthy babies too, the pain of our sick babies makes us never be able to truly think practically.

So how do I do it you ask? I just don’t. I weep like Jesus did every time I need to let it out. I stay in bed too long some days, because the pain is too great. I cry the whole way to events, and then get out and put a smile on my face, because that is what we are expected to do. Some weeks in church I am in a fog, because I wonder if people know the pain that I live with everyday. I look back at those few healthy pictures of my girl and yell at heaven asking WHY. There is no practical here.

I love you friend. I love your baby boy. We pray for healing on this earth for him, and we pray that y’all never feel the pressure to act practically, because the world says we need to move on, but heaven says we can sit at the throne and weep with Jesus.

love always,
Mary Anna’s mommy