Sep 25

Sailor Boy

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Dan is a sailor. He does not do this as much as he would like these days, because of the rigor of veterinary school, but he threatens to move us to a sailboat when all of this is over! His love for the water began mostly once he and I started dating ages ago. My love for the water stems from my parents who would always prefer to be at the lake or beach than anywhere else. Dan was not so sure about my families obsession with the beach, lake, scuba diving, boating, etc early on and slowly his heart grew, and now I think at times that he might possibly love the water more than I do.

He began sailing in college when he took an elective at Auburn to have an “easy A”. From that class, he started crewing with the local sailing, what they call “yacht club”, group for a free hamburger and beer on Saturday mornings. Slowly then for a little extra cash or quite honestly just enough of a paycheck to make it to the lake and back, he started teaching sailing for Auburn. He convinced me to take his class my senior year, and thankfully my teacher gave me an “A” even though I probably did not deserve it!

I enjoy sailing, but honestly, I really don’t. It’s an excuse to be on the water, but it’s a little to slow and it’s a little too much work for me. Dan loves the rigor, the wind, and the challenge of a sailboat.

Recently we were talking about our regresses lately with our grief and how everyday it seems worse and worse to be without our Mary Anna, and Dan had an excellent analogy. He started talking about sailing, and as he began to speak, I could see in his eyes that he was trailing off into some large body of water on a boat and picturing us there. And he went on:

You know Karebear… It’s like sailing. If you start your boat on a path and just leave it on autopilot then it will never make it to the right destination without minor tweaks. The wind changes, the waves change, and the course can so easily get off track. I feel like everything in life can be compared to sailing, and I guess that is why I love it so much. It is okay that we have bad days as long as we readjust our sails, get back on track and keep moving forward. We will make it as long as we are willing to face the wind and the waves.

He hit the nail on the head. As I snuggled my William this morning, I looked down and realized that his footed pajamas had a little blue sailboat on them. It was my reminder to wake up, readjust my sails, and stay on course. Side note, I love nothing more than a baby in footed p.j.’s for some reason, so I just grabbed him up, kissed his little lips, and teared up and thanked W for the lessons that he teaches me everyday without even knowing it.

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As I was texting with one of my bests friends last night who is overcoming some tough times, she said: “you just gotta keep walking right?”.

 

Sep 19

Friday Coffee

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As I drink my delicious “Teddy Graham” latte from my favorite little local coffee shop in Auburn, I am all smiles. It is Friday! Daddy has the weekend off for the first time in over a month. (minus a little board prep) We had a breakfast date, and William is growing like a weed! OH! And, Happy 8 weeks to our little buddy!

Our life has changed so much these past two months. The changes are sweet and rich, but man do our days look different! I keep thinking about a quote from a movie The Magic of Belle Isle that D and I watched on one of our first few sleepy days at home, and in it Morgan Freeman is trying to get this little girl to use her imagination, and he said something to her that has been on repeat in my head.

Never stop looking for what is not there.

Of course when he said this, I teared up a little and quickly typed it into notes section on my phone. That’s what I want us to do. In the midst of the change and the busyness, I never want us to stop looking for our Mary Anna.

Happy Friday Folks! Keep Walking.

Whatever it is that you are trying to walk through, do it. With your eyes on Him alone.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever. 

Psalm 107:1

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Sep 15

Not A Peanut

As I nurse, I contemplate life a lot. I am such a busy body that this sweet time of feeding my buddy has caused me to slow down and think, which has been so good for me and much needed after a hard year. Watching my main man be a daddy to WIlliam has caused me to think so much about the relationship between a father and a son. In a world where many of these are so broken, it is a tender one that needs to be nurtured deeply.

Dan and I have walked through some hard times in our ten years together with relationships, and so we often talk about what to do different and how to love our children the best way that we possibly can.

Funny story, the other day after church, Dan said to me, “I am sick of people calling William a peanut, he is not a peanut, he is a warrior!”. I giggled told him that of course W was a warrior, but it is just because he is a tiny baby now, and I know the peanut comments will not last long at all. D was not having it! I, being the mommy, love this itty bitty stage, where I can snuggle and nurture our baby boy all day long, but his sweet daddy insists that his son will be warrior and that is the focus!

Do not get me wrong here, Dan is about the most precious daddy to our little warrior ever, but it has been so interesting to see the difference in him parenting a boy vs. a girl. WIth Mary Anna, he was so protective and tender, and although he is these things to William, it is just different with a boy. This has been a fun transition to watch.

As I rocked my little man to sleep early this morning about 4 a.m., I felt the urge to write, which I have not in a long time. My mind was sleepy, but I could not get this thought out of my mind that if Dan is so insistent that W is a warrior, how much more is our Heavenly Father wanting us ready for battle. It starts young. D wants William strong and alert, and it is not much different with what Jesus wants for us.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8

As I have previously written, these early days have been harder for me emotionally than physically and to anyone who has had a newborn, that says a lot! I keep wanting to do it on my own. While holding my swaddled up baby burrito and slowly rocking back and forth in the dark it hit me, that I have to be ready for what is waring against my soul. How can I protect and prepare William if I am not protecting and preparing myself?

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his might power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 6:10-13

hi dad. i want to be just like you.

hi dad. i want to be just like you. you are my hero.

Sep 05

Morning Coffee

I did something twice this week that I have not done in a while, and that was instead of turning on the Today Show while I sleepily drank my coffee, I opened the Word.

Baby William is 6 weeks old today, and I finally feel like I can make it with this little guy who needs me all day everyday. Every parent out there knows this feeling of immense joy with immense responsibility. My mind has been filled with so much happiness, sorrow, inadequacy, and just plain confusion lately. I have tried to be in the Word, and it just has not happened. I downloaded a little devotional AP on my phone to read and it made me fall asleep, and I even tried reading Psalms while nursing, and yeah that did not quite work either. This week I have felt my need for the Lord stronger than ever. So like I said, I decided to dust off my devotional that I have been reading for close to a year now and see what it had to say.

Well Wednesday it had the audacity to talk about God not answering your prayers, and today again, it mockingly talked about the need to be in the Word.

WHELP.

It’s what I needed. I have struggled with praying for and over William, because why does it even matter? If He, the great healer, took my Mary Anna, then what is prayer even for? That attitude has led me down the slippery slope of thinking that I did not need to be in the Word either.

Yeah. Not true. Not good.

As my journey of being a first time mom to a baby in my home has begun, I have started the grieving process all over again just as strongly as the day that I lost my Mary Anna, and honestly after losing her I was more diligent in staying in the Word and prayer than I have been recently.

People, we can not do this. I can not do this. We need it more than ever. We need his truth and his mercy covering us everyday.

Even though I knew the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from Sunday School, I had never seen the part in scripture where they told the King that even if he threw them in the fiery furnace that God will save them, but that is not the kicker. They went on to say…

But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

Daniel 3:18

What! Where was that dear Sunday School teacher? Even if he does not? Really? I thought the story was about faith and God saving his people. Well, yes and no. It is about faith and God saving his people, but his people having the same faith whether their prayers were answered or not.

The prayer of faith is one of submission to God that does not presume to know what God will do or tell him what he should do.

Because they knew God and trusted God, they believed he would do what is right, even if it resulted in their death. Their commitment was not to read God’s mind but to remain true to God no matter what.

-Nancy Guthrie, Book of Hope

**if you are not familiar with the story of Daniel, read chapter 6 in the book of Daniel

So that happened Wednesday, and I went on chewing on that and again yesterday decided that even though all of this was true and good that I was strong enough on my own until this morning. W was nestled in his swing napping with his precious “You make me happy when skys are grey” pj’s on, and I did it again. I opened it up to read about why we need the Word embedded in our souls. Guthrie does it again:

That is why he has given you his Word. It is not meant to be drudgery you force-feed yourself because you know it is good for you. He intends for his Word to be a lavish and satisfying feast, an invigorating taste sensation, a treat. But we so easily turn what he has given as a delightful gift into a gulit-inducing demand.

We are all fragile. Satan is running around looking for self-righteous people like me who are too wounded to need Jesus, and he attacks right when we put our hearts in that place. I have been letting him hit me over and over again while I am exhausted, missing my girl, feeling like I will never grasp this parenting thing, and feeling very judged. And then Jesus walks into my home, swings open the door, and tells me quietly, “Kari, stop turning on the Today Show, stop worrying about the laundry, do not go on a walk, and sit here, sit with me and only me and listen. I love you. I love Dan. I love Mary Anna. I love William. Stop running.”

And when I listen. It is good. It is what I need.

I instagramed this sweet picture of my baby boy the other day with the caption:

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Because of his big sister, I love this face so much more, but because of this face, I miss his big sister so much more. Keep Walking.

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.

The statues of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.

The ordinances of the Lord are sure and all together righteous.

They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.

By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.

Psalms 19: 7-11