Most of the time my learning comes through a series of progression, and I am sure that I tend to learn a lot slower for that reason. Here’s the verdict people, I think we are too hard on ourselves and we expect perfection too easily.
Through a year now of wanting my heart to experience this great peace of being able to say “It is well with my soul”, I have felt like a constant failure. I tend to be known as pretty type A, and if there is a list to check off, then it is my great pleasure in life to finish a to do list in a timely manor. Math was my favorite subject, and I love anything when there is an answer, but when the answer does not come, then it makes my check-list all off.
Now you might say, that you are jealous of this, and at times it is a good trait of mine, but it also drives me mad at times. I try to be more relaxed like my easy going husband, and these past two years have taught me to reign in my control. All of this to say, I felt this pressure of being able to come to the place where I could say that I was thankful that my Mary Anna did not live. WRONG!!!!
We are human.
If we could come to this conclusions on earth, then we would be Jesus. And I am not sure about you, but I am far from wanting to claim to be perfect. I think Satan uses this mask of being completely content as a stumbling block for believers. We are living in a world where the king of darkness wants nothing more than to see us fall.
The truth is that I kept falling down, because I did not thing I was doing enough to stand up. Satan was winning my battle, and I will not let him. All of this like I said has been a series of progression and learning, and I do believe that we can find pieces of contentment in all situations. I slowly can see the good that has come from my baby girl’s life, and I would not change who I am now due to all that I have walked through.
But I would change the outcome.
I want this perspective, heart, and knowledge, but I also want my baby girl in my arms. I want a “big sister” shirt to put on her in the hospital when her little brother is born, my house to be too small because we have two babies under two in it, not to have fear like I do, to wake up without a broken heart, for my eyes to look youthful again and not swollen, I want, I want, I want.
for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
If any of this rambling even comes close to making sense, my heart just wanted to share to ease up on yourself. Strive for contentment and complete trust in the Lord, but know that you will probably never completely get there in this life. In the mean time, I truly believe that the God of all creation knows our heart, and I think he judges the desires of our heart not necessarily the perfection of our hearts.
Talking with some friends lately battling fear, one battling health issues, one battling marriage issues, one battling infertility, one battling unemployment, one battling a sick baby, and it hit me. All of us were putting so much pressure on ourselves that we could not see the light, because we were too caught up in expecting perfection.
Let your burdens rest on Him alone.
Give yourself a break.
And just Keep Walking.