I feel like a common question at this point is to ask if we are ready for little W.
Yes and No.
I am feeling very big, and beginning to have that slight waddle that you get towards the end of a pregnancy, and it is quite attractive for sure.
I sleep okay, but I would say that the past few weeks that we cry almost every single night.
We still faithfully go to church each week, but this past Sunday, we cried for almost 3 hours straight and did not leave the house the entire day.
Thankfully the summer for D has been a bit more low-key with his schedule, which has given him some much need time to process a lot of what he is feeling.
Can I say again what an amazing daddy/husband he is?
His emotions have been hard to watch. It is something about seeing a man who used to play college football on his knees begging for his baby girl that makes me so sad.
This is the reality though. Men have to grieve too, so we are both thankful for this time to prepare and feel what all we need to feel.
The nursery is not having any major changes to it, but we still emotionally have not been able to take Mary Anna’s things out of the dresser and replace them with the little guys things. Therefore, his stuff is in a laundry basket in the closet, and they are unwashed and just sitting there.
Often I go in there and think what all I “need” to do and turn around and walk out either weeping or angry.
We have chosen not to have any baby showers. It is way too emotional, and we have some wonderful people that keep asking to throw us one, but we just feel like it’s best to wait. I realized early on that we did so much to ensure that the people around us felt comfortable, and at times it left us drained and weaker, so we realized in this situation that a shower would be more of an expression to say to others “we are fine!”, and we are not fine, so although we are grateful that people want to celebrate with us, we just had to do what was best for us.
There is some guilt with that decision. Yes, I feel like a bad mom for turning down a shower, but I know it is whats best.
Last summer my final baby shower was set for the day after MAC’s funeral. My guest list was called and told that we would not have a shower, but that there would be a service to celebrate her life instead. With her birthday coming up and the timing with it all happening so close together, we just can’t do it.
D and I picked out a baby book for W, but every time I try to open it, I cry. The end of Mary Anna’s baby book is where everyone signed in at her service.
We have not packed a hospital bag yet, but Mary Anna’s is still packed and ready for her to come home. I do not know how to do all of this.
From time to time, I will wash a few of his things, and there is a small stack of my clothes in the corner that could be considered a “hospital bag”, but we are far from ready.
I am trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), so my anxiety about the actual delivery is at a high. My doctors are wonderful, and I feel very comfortable with them, but I am scared silly.
I was fearful before Mary Anna was born, because we did have some mild concerns with her, but this fear is very different. It is almost immobilizing most days.
As D reminds me nightly, “but we will look again to the holy temple.” (a paraphrase from the ending of Jonah’s prayer in Jonah 2. We are truly trying to Keep Walking.
There are so many details that I left out I am sure, but this is where we are and what it looks like to lay your baby down after they go to heaven in your arms, and then somehow prepare for your next baby less than a year later.
I explain it as a roller coaster, where in one moment you are on top of a very large hill and then instantly you fall to the lowest valley, and the ride is exciting, exhausting, and takes your breath away all at the same time.
In great joy and in great grief we anticipate our sweet baby boy.