As I was sitting there in my seat, I guess I was a little numb. I began to cry a little, and I reached down and grabbed my grandfathers handkerchief out of my purse, and I began to just hold it in my hand. The day of Mary Anna’s service, I went rummaging through my bed side table to find this special handkerchief.
When my grandfather passed away my senior year in high school, the day of his funeral, we realized that he had just enough handkerchiefs for everyone in our family to have one. Even dan. We were dating at the time. It was special to us, because PawPaw always had a handkerchief on him, so it in some way it made us feel close to him to use his little square of fabric to wipe our tears.
I found the old white handkerchief in my drawer, and I kept it through Mary Anna’s whole service. Somehow again it made me feel close to my PawPaw and my baby girl. I knew that as soon as Mary Anna got to heaven that my grandfather swept her up and would not let her go. He was always keen on little girls, which is why he and I had a very special relationship.
Ever since Mary Anna’s service at our church, that little tattered white cloth has stayed in my purse, because tears have seemed to erupt more often lately. Almost every Sunday I get it out, hold it through church, and wash it Sunday afternoon, so it is ready to go back into my purse for the rest of the week.
This past Sunday felt different though, as I went through the same motion of getting it out that I always do, I realized that again, something else in our lives were changing. Something big and something hard. Our church is closing, and being received by another local church. It is God’s Will, and we are in full support of our leadership, while they have had some very hard decisions to make.
As I prepared my heart for this last service at Plains, the place where we first joined as a married couple, met dear friends, Dan got into vet school, we had two miscarriages, and we walked through the life and death of Mary Anna, I was a little confused at why we had to have yet another huge change happening in our lives. My heart was hurting, and I kept saying, “I am so sick of everything being so hard.”
A sweet friend stood up at the front of the church to tell of some of the good that Plains was doing for others in it’s last days, and he read this passage in scripture.
“I am making everything new!”
New? New is right..
Then it hit me. Dan and I are in a season, where the Lord seems to be making everything new. The change is painful, extremely hard, and confusing, but I know that right now he is wanting to make us new.
As my dad told us recently while we were venting about all of these changes, “You know Ked, in every circumstance in life, you have the choice to look at yourself and see what God is wanting to do through you, or you can chose bitterness. I am thankful that you are not bitter about Mary Anna, and I think you just have to learn what God is wanting to do right now…”
He is such a wise old man. So as my heart is slowly trying to figure all of this out, Dan and I Sunday afternoon, as we strolled down the streets processing all of this, we decided once again to chose to learn what the Lord is trying to do through all of this change, and to recognize that he is “making EVERYTHING new!”.
So again, I am going to wash my handkerchief that is covered in mascara from Sunday, put it back in my purse to face another week, and keep walking.
|in memory of Fred Lee Bass, my PawPaw
I can’t wait to reunite with you and my Mary Anna when the Lord finally makes all things new.