As I have reflected on my last post, I still am shocked at times at the things that I actually admit on this little blog here. Thankfully, I do have a filter, because if I am totally honest the angriest or most disappointed that I have been seems to come across much tamer on the internet. Not sure if that makes my faithful readers impressed or think, “whew! I do not want to be her!” Don’t worry, I do not want to be me a lot of days either. I tend to argue with the Lord a lot when I start to write hard things, because I have felt very called to be transparent and tell my full story, but at times I feel too vulnerable. What about so and so who I really do not want to read this or what about that person that I think that I have convinced that I am perfect and if they find out I am blogging, they will quickly learn that I am not and my cover will be blown?
I am an extrovert.
I love people.
I need people.
Relationships are very important to me.
As I hear my own words in my head, “I am disappointed in some relationships and that some people have not cried with me”, I wonder why is that? Like I have said, I have spent the past few days slightly regretting publishing what is hard for me right now, and I have also wondered why I have felt the way that I have/do. It hit me last night as Dan and I were reading the Word together before bed. I am resting in people more than God. Now, people that is easy to say, but it is not easy to do. My disappointment should be in myself, that even in the depths of my grief, my sinful nature still for some reason can not learn to fully rely on my King.