As I have reflected on my last post, I still am shocked at times at the things that I actually admit on this little blog here. Thankfully, I do have a filter, because if I am totally honest the angriest or most disappointed that I have been seems to come across much tamer on the internet. Not sure if that makes my faithful readers impressed or think, “whew! I do not want to be her!” Don’t worry, I do not want to be me a lot of days either. I tend to argue with the Lord a lot when I start to write hard things, because I have felt very called to be transparent and tell my full story, but at times I feel too vulnerable. What about so and so who I really do not want to read this or what about that person that I think that I have convinced that I am perfect and if they find out I am blogging, they will quickly learn that I am not and my cover will be blown?

I am an extrovert.
I love people.
I need people.
Relationships are very important to me.

As I hear my own words in my head, “I am disappointed in some relationships and that some people have not cried with me”, I wonder why is that? Like I have said, I have spent the past few days slightly regretting publishing what is hard for me right now, and I have also wondered why I have felt the way that I have/do. It hit me last night as Dan and I were reading the Word together before bed. I am resting in people more than God. Now, people that is easy to say, but it is not easy to do. My disappointment should be in myself, that even in the depths of my grief, my sinful nature still for some reason can not learn to fully rely on my King.

My dearest baby girl,

I have taken a little time away to spend with you daddy and enjoy life away from the Internet. Your daddy and I went on a road trip, and we talked about you a lot. We have tried to enjoy Christmas, because as you already see in completion, it is about Jesus. He is the reason for the season, and we cling to the Hope in Him always. Although we have hope and peace, we miss you so much. This morning we cried together, because your Christmas pajamas are still in your drawer, and our hearts are so sad. Your stocking is hung, but you will never see it or get to open a stocking with us, and that breaks our hearts. There are so many special things that we would have done with you at Christmas time. EVERY year our home will be missing a very special girl, and we will never celebrate a day of life without missing you, sweet angel. I wanted to make cookies this year with you in a sling with me, and I wanted to wrap presents and tell you what all you had to look forward to. Your daddy really wanted to show you all of his favorite Christmas movies, and probably would have snuck a little taste of hot chocolate to you way too early! Your BeBe and Doc would have probably gotten you way too many presents even though you would only be a little over 5 months old, but that is okay, because it would have made them so happy.

Merry Christmas baby girl. My heart is so full with thankfulness at the birth of our Savior, yet I feel so empty and numb this morning without you. You are my heart, and I Keep Walking for you sweet baby Mary Anna.

I love you so much,
your mommy

P.S. One of my dearest friends wrote you a letter as a Christmas present to you, and it was the sweetest gift that anyone has given to you. She wrote a lot of very precious things, and she ended her letter with: “Thank you for changing my life and my attitude about life. You are an inspiration just like your mommy! I love you!” So, I just wanted to say again how proud that I am of you, because you are doing it baby girl, you are changing lives.

As we walked into the elevator after about our fourth ultrasound, my mom grabbed my arm and started crying. She was with me, because Dan could not make this appointment, and I needed some support with me that day. It was long before we had any fears about Mary Anna, but there was a question of whether I had a serious clotting issue or not, so I was referred to UAB to confirm or deny that concern. The answer would determine if I would need to be on shots during my entire pregnancy or a baby aspirin. All the news was good, and it was confirmed, no clotting issue, and a baby aspirin was the golden ticket. They wanted to me to leave with a full work-up, so they did an ultrasound to confirm that everything was okay with what we would soon know as baby girl Mary Anna.

My mom cried, yes, because I was okay, and yes, because I did not have to continue nightly shots in my stomach, but mostly because of something that had not occurred to me. She softly said, “I have never seen an ultrasound before.” I began to cry too at that point. It hit me. I had never thought about how my pregnancy was not only a gift to Dan and I, but also to my sweet parents. My mom could never get pregnant, so she never got to walk through all these tiny little things that even I took for granted at the time. It was so neat to watch my mom light up at each little step that we took with Mary Anna, because it was all so new to her. She always told my brother and I that we grew in her heart, but it was precious to see how much she enjoyed watching me be pregnant.

Unfortunately as things continued to get more and more complicated, we had to have more and more ultrasounds. I have no idea how many we ended up having, but it was a little unreal. Of course, we loved seeing our girl so much and watching her grow, but it was also hard, because we knew that nothing we were going through was a “normal” pregnancy. Some friends of ours taped their ultrasound pictures up in the kitchen and bedroom, so before we announced our pregnancy, we taped our pictures in our room, and after it was public knowledge, we taped them in our kitchen. Still to this day our sweet Mary Anna’s pictures are up. They are such a gift to remember how much she changed and grew each week that went by and what a true miracle that life is. Many times that I stop and look at them, I picture my mom on that elevator holding my arm and know how Mary Anna’s little life changed each one of us.

Ever since I read this blog post that a friend emailed me a while back, I have been thinking about the traditions that I want to do with our family to celebrate Mary Anna’s life. I talked to Dan about it, and I told him about the blog that I read, where she encourages you to find ways to remember your baby’s life. We decided with that Christmas being the first big milestone besides Thanksgiving that we would have to walk through without our baby girl, that we wanted to do something to celebrate her each year at Christmas time. Christmas is very important to us, so after debating on what to do, we decided to order Mary Anna a stocking.

Since Christmas is such a big deal to us, we have always known that it would be a big deal for our children. We want to do things to celebrate Mary Anna not only for her and us, but for our future children. I am adopted, and my parents always made that apart of my life growing up. It was never something that made me different, but it was something that made me special. I have always loved the way that God placed our family together, and I think the fact that our future children have a big sister in heaven makes them special. Being adopted has always given me a different perspective on life and family, and I hope that Mary Anna will give that to our children. So, Dan and I thought it would be fun for each year to hang a stocking in her memory, and have a time where we talk about her and remember her at Christmas. What a better time then when we are celebrating the birth and death of our  Savior.

Now this all is to be said with some reservation, if you have ever lost a baby, there are a lot of mixed emotions on how people will perceive the things that you do. D and I want to remember Mary Anna and her life, but at times we feel like people do not want to talk about her, because she is too painful to talk about. I get that. There’s also a little bit of, “Am I crazy for doing this?”, each time we decide to remember her in a way like this. As any smart girl would do, I called my mom and told her what we were thinking, and immediately she began to cry and say that she had wanted to get her a stocking too, but that she did not want to upset us. So sweet baby girl Mary Anna has a stocking at our house and at my parents house. It was a joy to hang it up, and it will be our joy to hang it every year. She is a part of our family.

Lastly as I was sharing this with my other mom, she encouraged me to take the ways that we choose to remember Mary Anna by to do something good with them. We have not decided how or what we will do, but I loved the idea of filling her stocking with gifts for needy children, donations to the NICU, etc. It will be interesting to see how the Lord leads us to continue to honor Mary Anna’s life for His Kingdom. I am excited to see how she not only continues to change Dan and I’s life, but how she will change our children’s lives.

I apologize for the excessive amount of beautiful sunset pictures, but I just can’t get enough of them. Like really? How can you not know that there is a God when you see this.

Recently I was reading, and I came across a passage that I had not read in a long time. In my Bible, I had written at the top of the chapter her name, Mary Anna. A family friend told us that they were praying this passage over Mary Anna everyday before she was born, so we began to do the same. We prayed it every waking hour, and I have been praying the same prayer again and again. The Lord provides.