If I have not explained who we are very well, I apologize. I have plans to fill the tabs on my blog with who we are, books I recommend, etc, and frankly, right now, I can’t even remember what I planned to even write on them. The skinny is that Dan is a veterinary student, and I work at a local optometrist doing billing and insurance. D is very driven, and he works very hard at his job, which is school right now. I am not a career person at all, and I would be totally fine if we went back to the days where women had babies at 18, made biscuits, and watered the flowers all day. A minor joke is that the degree that I received in college is most commonly known as the “MRS.” degree, and my high school year book plainly states that all my classmates thought that I would be the first one married with lots of children. Insert that I have tons of girlfriends who are career driven, and I totally support their goals, it’s just not me at all. All of this to say that, many days Dan leaves early, comes home, some days goes on a quick jog, briefs me on his day, showers, starts studying, eats a quick dinner, studies until bed time, and goes to sleep. Many weekends are spent studying long hours, and it makes our time together short. I am in full support of how hard he works, because I know it is what it takes, and it is for our family.
Since today is Monday, and I haven’t taken a deep breath in about 4 days now, I began to reflect while reading this morning on the past few days to try to figure out why I feel so overwhelmed. The past few days have looked a little like this:
- work from 7:45-12 while sick
- call the insurance companies for the millionth time and the hospital to then go a little nuts on the the poor lady who answered the phone because I am just over it all
- spend the afternoon crying and angry
- run some errands and get myself together
- best friends come into town late so a little midnight chatting before bed
- brunch with friends and Auburn wins <insert joy>
- a little shopping at half time
- walk with my girl and a lot of crying together and talking about Mary Anna and how it just is so hard
- spend time in the nursery with her and letting her love me and fill me with grace over and over again while the boys watch football
- wake up at 2 am to go take care of my friends toddler, so she can go the hospital to have her second baby
- church very sleepy with mixed emotions about how I feel about the Lord right now
- a precious prayer about life and death in our church as we rejoice the new birth of baby Ethan and love him, and we continue to mourn Mary Anna
- friends leave and D and I cry a lot and Dan tells me he realized in church while the girls were singing that he will never hear our baby girl sing on earth
- visit baby Ethan and praise the Lord for life
- church chili supper where I was trying to keep walking, but my girl who knows me well said, “Kari you’re being really busy are you o.k.?”, and I said, “It’s just so hard”
- wake up in sweats to break a fever from the rotten cold that I just can’t get rid of
- lay in bed and soak up the Word in desperate need of Him
- chat with mom and fill up my love cup
- now off to face the reality of the day with a little work, errands, helping a friend with a paint decision, and a birthday dinner
Dan found a video on his phone from when we were at the beach in May. It was a funny video of the dogs playing in the sand, and at the very end of it, he turned the video to me and told me to show him Mary Anna. I turned towards him, and I showed the camera my pregnant belly, and with the sweetest tone in his voice, he said, “Hey Mary Anna, I love you and I can’t wait to meet you!” How precious. It of course brought tears of joy to our eyes to think about how happy we were anticipating her little life. We made it a daily activity to talk to her during the whole pregnancy. At first it felt a little silly, but slowly we didn’t care how silly we were, because we really wanted her to know our voices.
Dan the Man,
We love you so much!
I woke up today wanting to know more of who Christ is. I have been hesitant to write this post, because most of the people that I love dearly are pregnant or recently had a baby, and I would never want any of them not to know that my heart is full of love and support for them. The truth is that baby showers and births are hard for a lot of women who are in the midst of infertility, miscarriages, loss of a child, and even for single women, so I have felt like as I share my story, that I need to share it all, and this is part of it.
Yesterday I was a host of a baby shower to a VERY dear friend of mine. She has loved me so well through the loss of my girl, and I have wanted nothing else but to fully support her in the birth of her baby boy. I woke up sad yesterday not because I was mad at her or angry or even jealous, but purely because I thought that Mary Anna should be a part of that day. She should have either been with me or at home while my husband was trying his best to do it all right while mommy was gone, and she was neither. She is not here. My heart wants to be selfless and let it be all about Morgan, but y’all when grief hits, it hits. I cried all morning, the whole drive there, and as I parked I saw a friend waiting outside on me, and I fell into her arms sobbing. She told me to go home and that I had already done enough, and I said that I could do it, so I put on some lipstick and walked in. I was doing okay, and then another hostess said to me, “I have been praying for you all morning and you are a sweet friend to do this.” Insert losing it again. My friend walked back up to me as I realized that a baby girl was there who was about Mary Anna’s age, and I cried harder. I walked into the bathroom to try to get it together, and I did the best I could, and then I walked into the area where, by this point, most of the guests were all there and mingling, and another friend saw me and I lost it again. We walked back into the bathroom, and she told me to leave, and I just kept saying that I tried and that I was a bad friend for not staying, and she said, “Morgan understands, she knows you love her, and go home.” So I left. I walked out and saw another lady from our church and I began to fall into her arms and weep saying, “I just don’t get it, why is she not here…”
That was my final straw to know that I was not strong enough to do it. Although, I spent most of the rest of my day in extreme guilt. I want to be a selfless friend, and my heart hurt thinking that I was not strong enough to be there for my sweet friend. I want to love my friends who have loved me, and I tried, but my heart was fully there to do that, but I was weak. Morgan was gracious and loving to me and again loved me well. She would tell you that she is not sensitive, and that she is not good in times like this, but she lies. Her friendship and support yesterday was above and beyond, and she could have easily never forgiven me for not being able to hold it together, but she covered me with grace. I WILL celebrate the birth of her baby, and will love her as she finishes out her final days of her pregnancy.
This is what life is like when you walk together. She chooses to keep walking with me, and I will keep walking with her. As for my other friends who loved me so well yesterday, I woke up knowing the church is real. The community that the Lord has given us here during these dark days is overwhelming. I have never felt so lonely and loved at the same time. So today, I want to continue to love my friends, their babies, and the ones on the way too, who would have been Mary Anna’s friends. I want to love well, and I hope that I do that as best as I can right now. I went on a run this morning to blow off a little steam, and I listened to this song:
The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can’t supply is proof that Heaven must be our home.