My parents got us a Keurig this year for an early Anniversary present. It was the perfect timing knowing that little Mary Anna would be here soon, and I could make a quick cup of coffee whenever I was in desperate need! Now that little coffee wonder of a machine is my fuel for thinking and writing. Not exactly the reasons for the initial purchase, but thankful for its quickness in my time of need! As I sipped my first cup, I was thinking about the story of Stephen, and now as I sip my second cup, my heart is full with the fact that Christ truly grieves with me.
My devotional this morning talked about Lazarus and how Jesus wept with Mary over his death. One of my dad’s friends favorite verses is the one in this story, because he says that it shows him how real Jesus is.
I have heard the story of Lazarus since Sunday school, and I have read John 11 many times, but today Mary’s heart of sadness hit a home run with me. If Jesus is all knowing, then He knew all of this would happen before it did, and he knew that Lazarus would not only die, but he would be raised from the dead. So, in the context of Mary weeping and Jesus weeping with her, HE KNEW that not long after that Lazarus would get up and walk out of the tomb. Which also means that even though He knew that my Mary Anna would not walk out of that hospital room, He knew the outcome, He knew the reasons, and He wept and still weeps with me. Can we take a moment here? The creator of the universe weeps with me. With me!
Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”
Then the story of Stephen came back to me. Not long after MAC was gone, our pastor stopped by our house to visit with us. He reminded us of the passage of the stoning of Stephen in Acts, and if you recall:
But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.
Rick, our pastor, told us this to remind us that Jesus empathizes with our sadness. Apparently the only time that it is recorded in the Bible of Jesus standing at the right hand of the Father, standing not seated, is when Stephen was being stoned. He grieves the death of the saints. Rick then told us that this passage came to him while he was in the hospital with us the day Mary Anna passed away, and he just knew that Jesus stood as she died. Wow.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
I have struggled a lot the last few weeks. Sadness and anger have overwhelmed me everyday. I started feeling more normal the last month, but lately I feel less and less like myself. The Lord let me shake my fist and cry out in anger, and now, this morning, He reigned me back in with His truth. The truth that He weeps with me, and that he stands at the death of my baby girl.
I do NOT get this. But what I do get is that you love me and this is not about me, but it is all about you. I cling to your Word and your truth right now. You are good. I am just a sinner missing my princess, and you get that more than I realize. Thank you for letting me be angry, but lifting me back up. All praise be to you alone.