One of Dan’s favorite quotes he heard in a sermon a long time ago from our pastor, where he said that each person has a God shaped hole that only God can fill. It’s a quote by the famous scientist Blaise Pascal. There are times that we try to fill that hole with other things, but ultimately we remain empty without Him.
Recently Dan said to me, “Karebear, it’s like we have a Mary Anna shaped hole in our heart that will never get filled.” The one thing that I have learned about a loss like ours is that it never truly goes away. We have confirmed it with people much older and wiser than us who say, still now after they lost their child thirty years ago, that the pain is still there. I think sometimes people want to tell us something quick to make us feel better like, “I’m sure it gets better with time.” While yes, they are right, it does get better with time, but it never goes away. The love for a child is instant and that void sticks.
So yes, Dan and I have changed, we have changed a lot since July 14. We are not and never will be the same people that we were before. The majority of the changes are for the good and for His glory alone. There’s just a different way that we look at life and death now. And although very painful, we learn each day to be thankful that we are different. It’s like we see a little more clearly who our King Jesus truly is even with a Mary Anna shaped hole.
|my baby shower|
I could go on and on about how thankful that I am for my husband. Like I said a while back, I really do not know what I would do without him. Honestly, I think that everyday when you wake up, you have a choice to run towards or away from your marriage. Dan and I have been through a lot in our 10 years together, and I know the Lord prepared us for this year long before we realized it. The thing is the divorce rate after your child dies is stunning. I’m horrible at research (this is D’s area of speciality), and I tried to find statistics, but could not quite find what I was looking for but basically, I’m pretty sure that it is one of the top, if not the top, reasons why people divorce. The last percentage that I heard was that after the death of a child 75% of marriages end. WOW people. That’s huge!
The day we got married we decided that no matter what that we would never mention the “D” word in our house. We are by far from being perfect, but we chose to run to each other instead of away. When I look at Dan, I see Mary Anna. I mean it’s kinda hard not to when they share the same lips! I told this to my mentor recently, and she said, “Yeah Kari that’s the reason some people walk away from their marriage is because it is simply to hard to look at their spouse because they see their baby.” For us it’s different, although the way he holds his mouth sometimes can bring me to my knees because I miss her, it makes me feel close to her. She is half of me and half of him. How could I lose both of them?
Once she was gone, we knew the road ahead was going to be horrible, but we knew that there was no question but to do it together. We were going to fight, because our little fighter taught us how to never give up, and we were going to love, because she taught us a love like we have never known before. My heart aches for every marriage out there that’s struggling, and I just pray for restoration. Clinging to your spouse is hard, but it is worth it. I wake up feeling blessed that I married my best friend.
So I was at my workout class this morning, and this song came on during the end of the class and the lyrics said this: