Feb 21

Keep Walking

I go through these breaks from writing from time to time, because sometimes I am just at a loss for words and other times life feels too crazy to allow myself the time to sit down and write. There’s been this burden on my heart to decide why I write still. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? Do I need to feel like someones still listening to my sadness? Why??

And then through some gloomy weeks of the ups and downs of life, today it hit me. The strength to Keep Walking after the deepest loss that I have ever faced was one that did not come naturally. It was a choice by Dan and I.

A choice for our marriage, our future kids, our family, our friends, our community.

A choice to Keep Walking.

As I was listing off to a friend today all the things that felt hard in my life lately, she told me how my story of loss encouraged her in ways that I never knew, and in that little text it reminded me that our stories are to be written and told.

I started a Lent study by a company called She Reads Truth, and their studies are great, but sometimes they’re long. I try to get them from time to time, because I am more diligent in my readings when they’re set out in front of me. I wish I was a 5 am kinda gal in the word on my knees, but I’m not. The thing that wakes me up every morning is my 3.5 year old, who crawls in my bed to tell me that his “light has turned green and he woke up!”. My days start foggy brained and in need of coffee, and maybe one day I’ll be a good early morning reader, but let’s be real… probably not.

Needless to say, this journey of reading Exodus has been so refreshing. The story goes this way… Moses is trying to convince Pharaoh (the King) to let the Israelites (God’s people) go to the Promise Land. Pharaoh is stubborn, and the past few days have been the saga of plagues and I keep thinking to myself: Come on dude… let the people go and move on. Yet, Pharoah just refuses to acknowledge God until the depths of death come upon the Egyptians (his people). Finally he let’s Moses and God’s people go, and God tells them to tell their children and to write down how God was faithful.

That’s my goal here. To not recount that everyday is pretty or full of butterflies, but to recount how even in the depths of hardships, He is faithful. He remained faithful to the Israelites, and by God’s grace, He died to remain faithful to His people today. And even when our hearts are just as stubborn as Pharoah’s, that Jesus continues to fight for us.

So I stood in church Sunday with tears in my eyes as some around the room sang these words:

O may Thy soldiers, faithful true and bold
Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old
And win with them the victors crown of gold
Alleluia, allelu

But lo! There breaks a yet more glorious day
The saints triumphant rise in bright array
The King of glory passes on His way
Alleluia, allelu
-For All the Saints

And I remember like He told his people thousands of years ago that He still whispers the same thing to me: for the Lord brought you out of here by the strength of his hand. -Ex 13:3

Sometimes we don’t feel immediate relief from our pain just because we accept that Jesus is King. It can take years or even a life time, but the truth remains that He will return. His return will be grand, and I mean I wish we were friends, but like my friend Sandra McCracken says on her new song: But if it’s not okay, then it is not the end.

So friends, if it’s not okay, then remember… it’s not the end. Our stories are still being written. It’s this strength that reminds me to Keep Walking. To Keep Walking in joy and in sorrow.

Jan 03


So we like to have impromptu dance parties around here. William (3.5 years) currently does this move that looks almost like a football drill or something, and Mary Kathryn (19 months) marches her chubby legs up and down so fast and likes to put her hand on her knees and do this little squat thing. It’s all just too cute.

It’s still just unbearably cold here, and we have been inside a lot, so after dinner I had some music playing, and I was trying to get the pre-bed jitters out, so we started a dance party. William asked for the “oh my my, oh hey hey song”, which is a fun song that we like called Big Parade by the Lumineers. He said: Momma, turn it up real loud!” So I did.

The three of us began to dance. We held hands and danced in a circle, and I taught them how to twirl. Mary Kathryn in her cute little non-talking voice would say WOW WOW WOW!, and William couldn’t get enough of it, and from time to time he’d sing the right words on the song.

We all got dizzy and ended up all falling on the groud, and I hugged them both tight, and I took a mental recording of those moments. I almost grabbed my phone to document it, but something about holding their hands and spinning around, I just knew that I would never forget it. As I was squeezing them, and the music was still pretty loud, William said: I just love y’all. He said it completely on his own.


As we continued to dance and twirl for a bit longer and then slowly start playing the airplane game where you  lay on the ground and hold them up with your feet, I began to look into both of their eyes and it just hit me. I love them both so much that it hurts, but the true revelation was this:

William taught me that I could love again.


Mary Kathryn taught me that I could be happy again.

After loss, I wasn’t sure that I could truly ever love again without fear, but on July 25, 2014 when William Daniel was born, I knew that  it wasn’t true. I loved again deep and real and hard, but the years following were still tough. Then on June 3, 2016, when I looked into those blue eyes, Mary Kathryn unlocked some joy in my heart that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

There’s redemption.

So I’ll tuck tonight away as one of the sweetest nights, and we’ll have more dance parties, and those two little blonde-hair, blue-eyed babies will never fully grasp how they help me get stronger every day.

They’re truly my loves and my joy.

Keep Walking.

Jan 01

New Years

Happy New Years!

I know everyone says this, but I truly can’t believe that it’s 2018. It feels like yesterday that we were worried that Y2K was going to shut down the world, and that was 18 years ago. 18. What the mess.

We don’t make a huge to do out of New Years around here, but we did manage to have some of those blow horns {why my mom got them when we have a 3-year-old… yeah… about that…}, some lovely plastic necklaces, oh and I made some chocolate pudding with whip cream. Dan was working ER, so I was alone with the kids all day and night, and needless to say we didn’t even consider making it to midnight! Well I guess D did, but he was in surgery ringing in the new year.

It’s oddly cold here in Alabama, and yesterday morning I took the kids to church alone. It was drizzling rain, and it was around 20 something degrees, and I was lonely and a little bored as I drove. I was playing some worship music from Spotify, and as I was thinking and driving, I happened to look up to see the funeral home that took care of Mary Anna’s body.

I burst into tears remembering those early days after losing her. Calling funeral homes. Debating cremation. Having her tiny body transferred to Auburn from Birmingham. All the haunting details.

I’ll never forget the owner of the funeral home not charging us a penny. He literally did it all for free. It is a gift that we could never repay, and he’ll never understand how that kindness will always affect us.

I’ll never forget walking in there in my late 20s, and thinking HOW THE HELL AM I IN A FUNERAL HOME SIGNING PAPERS FOR MY BABY.

We’ve been visiting a new church and driving that way to church for as long as we’ve been back in Auburn, but somehow I just noticed it yesterday. As I cried driving by, the rain was coming down, and the kids were hauntingly quiet in the back seat, and this song came on:

I cried a little harder.

I wasn’t there when the world was created, and I wasn’t there when he created Mary Anna’s body and chose the number of her days. Some days I think that I was, because I carried her and birthed her and she was mine, but I forget in reality that she’s not mine. She is HIS.

Although I had no right to ask, my God knelt and answered me.

I spent the rest of the day tearing up off and on, but my two babies are just used to seeing momma cry. And that’s o.k.

D walked in tired with bloodshot eyes this morning, and without me telling him about my day, he said to me: “New Years is just hard… I miss Mary Anna… It’s another year without her.”

We all carry around burdens that are too much to bear on our own. This year, I want to be more generous to myself with my grief and help others do the same. I posted this on my instagram yesterday morning, and this is my theme for 2018:


Keep Walking.

Dec 24

The Unwanted Child

I think it’s easy to think of the Christmas story as a warm and fuzzy one. A story of a mother and a father birthing their treasured baby in a manger.

Rewind a bit for a second, Mary and Joseph weren’t married, and they were scared. Mary was so confused at how she was even pregnant due to the fact that she was a virgin, and Joseph felt betrayed and wanted to end their relationship. Truly as we look at it, Jesus came into the word rejected even by his own parents. They didn’t want him or the mess at first, but they were faithful.

This reality has caused me to think a lot this holiday season about our culture. Now this is a controversial topic, but stick with me here. I live in Alabama, and the senate race made huge headlines here. I remember talking to my husband the night before about how I was so confused, because we were debating one candidate who was pro- abortion at some level, and one that had a bad record with women.

The thing that got me the most was how numb we were to these terms. I stood in the shower the morning of the election, and I was crying asking him how did we even get to the place that our children will hear words like: abortion, assault, rape, unwanted pregnancy, and think that these are just common terms.

they. are. not.

It baffles me, but it is horrifying to me that it is even allowed to murder an unborn child. Wanted or Not.

Jesus wasn’t wanted y’all.

I wasn’t wanted.

I can say this, because I am adopted from a teen mom, who did not want me. It was a noble thing that she did by choosing life for me, and I will forever be grateful to her for carrying me and being willing to give me to parents who were in a position to take care of me, but I could have been aborted.

Take it a step further now, I had a baby who was not wanted by the world. Her name was Mary Anna, and she was not healthy, and the doctors offered me to end her life and “press the reset button”, but I chose life for her. And I will never regret that choice.

There were people of faith who questioned my choice to Keep Walking with an unknown pregnancy, but thankfully the Lord captured my heart and gave Dan and I the strength to do the right thing.

It has always been a heavy issue on my heart, and ever since I had Mary Anna, it burns within me deeper. Even if a pregnancy is unwanted, there is always a choice. We are gifted these tiny bundles whether they are cells or full-term babies to take care of, and they are still lives y’all.

And if you have had an abortion, I do not judge you. There is mercy at the cross. We all carry shame, and Jesus’ love is bigger than our shame. It is. I promise.

and be thyself our King of Peace

I pray that we make a change in our country, and in our world. That we don’t look at life as if it is convenient or lacks baggage, but that we look at it as life.

Thank you to my birth mother for choosing life for me. Merry Christmas.

Thank you to my parents for adopting me as your own, and teaching me to choose life for my baby girl. I love you both dearly. Merry Christmas.

Thank you Dan for never wavering in your faith and choosing life with me for our baby girl. Merry Christmas.

Thank you Mary Anna for giving me the strength to speak out for those unwanted babies. You are my angel. Merry Christmas in heaven.

Let’s Keep Walking together. Merry Christmas!

The Christmas story:

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man named Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. And the angel came to her and said, “Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you. But she was deeply troubled by this statement, wondering what kind of greeting this could be. Then the angel told her: “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Now listen: You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of his father David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and his kingdom will have no end.”

Mary asked the angel, “How can this be, since I have not had sexual relations with a man?”

The angel replied to her: “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore, the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. And consider your relative Elizabeth- even she has conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called child’s. For nothing will be impossible with God.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” said Mary. “May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel left her.

Luke 1:26-38

The birth of Jesus Christ came about this way: After his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, it was discovered before they came together that she was pregnant from the Holy Spirit. So her husband, Joseph, being a righteous man, and not wanting to disgrace her publicly, decided to divorce her secretly.

But after he had considered these things, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary as your wife, because what has been conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to name him Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

Now all of this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet:

See the virgin will become pregnant and give birth to a son, and they will name him Immanuel, which is translated “God is with us.”

When Joseph woke up, he did as the Lord’s angel had commanded him. He married her but did not have sexual relations with her until she gave bright to a son. And he named him Jesus.

Matthew 1:18-23

passages chosen from She Reads Truth- advent study

Be Brave this Christmas. Even when it’s messy.

Keep Walking.

Dec 15


I’ve thought a lot lately about how I want my kids to remember their childhoods. Dan and I were raised very differently, and we spend a lot of time talking and praying about how we want to raise our miniature people. The thing is that our life is literally chaos right now. Like a friend said to me recently: Kari it’s okay to admit that your life is just crazier than most right now, because it just is. I am a giver, so it’s hard for me to slow down and take very often. I am also super type A in a super chill kinda way. Sounds weird, but its the truth.

So with this season of super close in age toddlers, a new business that we feel so overwhelmed with most days, a blog that I feel called to write more on, two websites, t-shirts, dogs, a power bill, dinners, and the list goes on…. I have realized that my fuse has been short, and although I swore I would never yell, well sometimes I just do.

Like the other night when I was going on 48 hours of single parenthood, and William didn’t nap, and the shower curtain fell on my head about the same time that William pee’d on the floor. You bet. I yelled. Sure did.

But then I curled in bed with buddy, and I told him exactly what was going on. I told him that I missed daddy, that I was tired, and that it was hard to open daddy’s new office. As I held his sweet little hand, I apologized, and told him that I didn’t always make the best choices either, and that’s how I was able to forgive him when he wasn’t kind too.

He told me: It’s okay mommy, I love you, and I miss daddy too.

So today it happened again. I was up late baking for some extra money for some Christmas orders that I received, and Dan’s super stressed trying to get the final things done with the clinic. I somehow managed to bake 13 mini pumpkin loaves, dress both kids and myself, and pack lunches and head up to the clinic to deliver sandwiches to daddy. We got there, and it was a bit crazy, so our visit was pretty short.

I was driving home with more butter and cream cheese to bake some more, and my head was hurting, and I just was feeling spread thin. This song came on:

I’ve had this on repeat lately, because this song y’all. I mean it’s the gospel. And I heard some noises from the back of the car, and little William was singing along. He only knew a few words here and there, but to hear his little voice singing “EMMANUEL”. WOW! A few tears began to creep down my cheek, and it hit me.

I want them to remember their mommy and daddy as real and raw. I want them to see us mess up, and I want them to see us asking them for forgiveness. I hope that our house is one of grace and willingness to meet each other wherever we need to. In a world full of filters and botox and murder and hate,  I hope that under this roof they feel no reason to be anyone, but who God made them to be.

Behold, behold the One our Love has come.

Behold, behold the One our King has come.


I hope that they feel the freedom to know that the King who came doesn’t expect us to carry all of this on our own, and that we leave a legacy of love and laughter and mess and hugs.

This pressure to be everything for our friends or kids or spouses is just unattainable, and I am the worst at this.

So cheers to more grace and recognition that our King has come.

Keep Walking.

Defeated death, He broke the grave

Our hope returned, the lost are saved

We lift our voice in never ending praise.

Dec 08


I was sitting in the floor, and the kitchen was a mess. William was playing with his doctor kit, and Mary Kathryn was rearranging stickers in a basket. She would take them out one by one, and then she would put them back in one by one. William was giving me a “shot” and listening to my heart, and I asked him:

buddy do you want to be a doctor like daddy when you grow up?

W: I don’t

me: that’s ok, you can be whatever you want to be…. what do you want to be buddy?

W: I don’t want to grow up mommy, I just want to stay little and home with you.

me: sobbing

W: walks away onto the next thing….

I kept sitting there for a little bit longer. Frizzy hair, stretched out nubby old sweater, leggings, and my warm socks. I wasn’t super hungry, so I was eating leftover pepper jelly for dinner, and in walked Dan….

He couldn’t find me, and I waved around the sofa from the floor, and of course he asked if I was okay, and I said yes that I was just enjoying the moment. I found a new husband/wife duo that I liked, and their Christmas music was on in the back ground, and it was a sweet moment that I wanted to soak up.


It’s what’s getting us right now…. Our robbery happened, and it seems like we just keep getting hit…


asthma attacks

car breaking down

tight finances

workers everywhere

a lot of time apart


a new (ish) city

Christmas without our baby girl

It starts to get to you….

We love Paul David Tripp, and we heard a sermon a long time ago about discouragement, and how it is Satan’s greatest tool to get a follower of the King off track. I know it’s happening, but it’s hard to fight it.

I will raise up shepherds over them who will tend them. They will no longer be afraid or discouraged, nor will any be missing. This is the Lord’s declaration.
Jeremiah 23:4

Testerday someone stopped by to say hi, and she asked how we were, and I was doing the typical: oh we’re good lalala… thing that we all do. And then I was like well, this and that happened, and then I started crying. It hit me. The discouragement of the ways that Satan is trying to knock us off path right now. Satan is real, and he’s an ASS y’all. He knows where to get you, and he’ll keep doing it.

As I sat in the floor watching my littles waddle around, I was reminded that I just can’t let him win. I can’t. I have to keep preaching it to myself, because the other day when I walked almost 6 miles and my legs were numb, I wasn’t feeling super positive polly.

He grew up before him like a young plant
and like a root out of dry ground.
He didn’t have an impressive form
or majesty that we should look at him,
no appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of suffering who knew what sickness was.
He was like someone people turned away from;
he was despised, and we didn’t value him.
Isaiah 53:2-3

I read this is my Advent devotional today right after I drug both of my kids in the rain to the clinic, where we have TONS of work to do, and I pulled in and literally hit our other car {that is literally dying and we can’t afford to fix it right now} with our only car that works. Yes. I hit it.  I didn’t turn wide enough. Dan came out. I looked at him, and I burst into tears, and said: we just can’t catch a break d. So now that car is in the shop, because it sounds like the wheel is going to fall off.

We are so close to opening this business that we feel very called to do, but we have no income, because that’s what it takes to start a business, and we feel attacked. Alone. Discouraged.

Yet, Jesus came down to earth and was despised and rejected, and he took all of this on himself, so that we could know what true love is. True love that died for us. True love that teaches us how to Keep Walking, even when it keeps hitting you where it hurts. True love that reminds you to sit on the ground and cry, because some kids don’t live long and some will grow up and leave, but you just snuggle them while you can…

Keep Walking.

Dec 06

Big Momma

So…. Dan has this thing going for him. Well not really. Well it depends on how you look at it.

He’s really brutally honest, which is great and all. Don’t get me wrong. I am so over fake and put together and that crap that people like to work hard at, but there is a line people. Dan sometimes crosses it, and the story goes this way…

me: I mean Mary Kathryn is such a little momma these days
{insert random stories of the kids from our day}

dan: yeah she really is…

me: I was thinking how much MK and I were alike today…

dan: yeah… so, if she is a little momma, then does that make you a big momma?


Moments like that happen often living under the same roof as D. Or leaving dinners or wherever, and me explaining to my very intelligent husband why what he said came off the wrong way.

Well, we make a good team. I always say that he’s book smart, and I am common sense smart. We don’t really overlap much on our strengths either.

Just sayin…

Anywho, that’s all I got for ya. Just one more encouraging story from our house to yours. Know your strengths, and know when not to call your wife a big momma.

Merry Christmas.

Keep Walking.

One more chocolate muffin please and thank you.

Dec 02


So, I think I said this, but we are opening our very first business. My husband is a veterinarian, my dad is a veterinarian, and I have been told that I can be an honorary veterinarian, although I think these people are NUTS for going to school that long. But whatever, i’ll take the title. I can give some pretty sound advice after all my years of over hearing my dad on the phone at the dinner table, and my summers working the front desk at his office, and the launch of our marriage being vet school for Dan.

Well, we are a few weeks from being opened, and money is tight, and budgets are having less wiggle room, and we walked into our little clinic yesterday morning ready to work hard. My parents were taking our kiddos for the weekend, and we had long lists of things that we could accomplish without a 3 and 1-year-old {which is how we’ve built 95% of this practice is with one or both of them with us}, and we realized that….





yep. robbed.

Someone the night before decided to walk out our back door and take things that were ours as assume it was okay to claim them as their own.

insert cuss words.

It was rough. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. Rough.

We cussed, cried, stared at each other, argued, were short with our words, and the list goes on. And then in the middle of it I looked at Dr. Dan and said this:

okay stop. we either trust God or satan and right now we aren’t trusting God. HE has called us. HE has good things in store. Satan wants to destroy that, and we can’t let him. Let’s claim this for good right now.

Now don’t go envying my attitude quite yet. I am pretty sure we debated punching the robbers in the face many times and still continued to cuss off an on through the day. And if I am honest I woke up just ANGRY today. At some point during the day my phone buzzed the verse of the day on my screen, and I was about to “swipe up” to get rid of it, and I stopped with my dirty yoga pants and socks with a hole in the toe and read this:

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Exodus 14:14

This is the truth. Not the lies that we’re fighting. Not the violation of someone stealing our things. Not the loss of confidence. Not the anger. Not the cuss words. Not the excess chocolate we ate last night.

I’ve been praying over my mission right now. I am here to walk beside and support Dan as we endeavor into our new business together. It’s a whole family decision to do this, because it’s going to take all of us. Even the littles being drug to the vet clinic like I was growing up. But I realize that my loss and my heartache has prepared me for these moments.

I spend a lot of time in my writing talking about my loss of Mary Anna. God used that for HIS purpose and plan. And as I keep walking, I realize that we grieve things every day…

our to do lists

our hopes

our perfect life plans

our friendships

and marriages

our houses and cars and sofas

our robberies

We most of all lost our steam yesterday. Our vision. Our goals. And y’all we can’t do that.

We just need to be still. He WILL fight for us.

But the thing about battle is that you either go guns blazing, or you let someone fight for you. I tend to be the guns blazing kind, and then have the regress and put a sock in it, and remember that this isn’t my fight. And frankly I don’t want to be the commander in my battle.

So here it is y’all, as we enter Advent tomorrow. Don’t keep fighting. Let Him fight for you. Sure, I mean some might disagree, but let it out, eat some chocolate, 3 lattes, cuss some, punch a pillow, whatever you need to, but remember that this isn’t our fight to do alone.

Keep Walking.

Nov 16

Advent Wreath

So we just moved into our sixth house in a little over three years. Yes you read that right. We moved back to a town that we love, and that we missed from the day that we left. The little house that we bought needed a lot of love, so we did a total gut, and now it is dreamy. We want to add-on eventually to make it a little more usable for us long-term, but for right now, Mary Kathryn sleeps in a future office or playroom with a little barn door off our dining room, and it works. I found a ship knot to prop the barn door closed tighter, and she thinks it’s perfect for her sassy little squishy 17 month old self, and I do too. Meanwhile, William has the room of his dreams filled with all things ship and beach related.

We’re opening a business for the first time, and we are just launching into unfamiliar territory in a very familiar place. I knew that moving here wouldn’t be the same from when we left, but it’s hit me day by day as we have been here… grief… sadness… missing my Mary Anna.

You see she was born in Birmingham, but basically her whole life in utero was in Auburn. We dreamed of her here, set up her nursery, and planned for her life in this sleepy little football town. So, this place has always had a piece of my heart. As we begin to roam the same familiar streets again, I see her.


in my favorite coffee shop…

in the same publix that I used to weep walking the aisles after we lost her just wanting to buy a paci or baby wipes…

in our favorite pizza place…

and bagel shop…

in the parks that she should have played at…

in the eyes of the people who knew us and walked through life with us during that time…

Mary Anna,

I see you everywhere baby girl. You are always with us. We miss you immensely, and I’ve learned that each new place we acquire as our home, that I realize more and more the hole in our hearts for you. I wish I had your artwork to hang, and your little dresses to iron. I wish I knew your favorite color, and if you liked sweet or salty things. I often wonder if you’d be tall and lean like William or squishy like your baby sister.

You are our motivation. We named daddy’s new clinic after you, and there is no one that drives us more than you do. 

I told your daddy the other night that the one thing that I knew to be true is how strong you were. Your strength is what gives me strength.

Thank you for always teaching us how to Keep Walking, my girl.

-your mommy

So, yeah… I’m weeping. Eating a soggy apple. My head hurts, and I am tired of unpacking.

Life. Right?

A dear friend here asked me to go to a wreath making thing in a few weeks. Those things sound fun and holiday ish, and I love Christmas, and I love friends. And cookies. Amen. But things like that stress me out, because it forces me to enter into a new season of telling my story. Of telling of Mary Anna.

I told her I’d go, and then I wasn’t sure if I could go. She gracefully told me to stop unpacking and write.

So I did.

Here I am….

Christ is in this. I know He is. Sometimes I can’t figure it all out, and I don’t know why this is our story, but it is.

On Christ the solid rock I stand.

All other ground is sinking sand

All other ground is sinking sand.

Keep Walking.

Oct 20

Chapel in the Pines


I surprised Dan with a birthday getaway to this quaint place in the mountains for a long weekend. It is dreamy, and it is exactly what we needed. We’ve been running in a million directions lately trying to renovate a house, start a business, raise two babies, oh and two pups, live with the rents out of suitcase, and the list goes on… Dan’s about to turn the big 3-0, and he’s been working basically 3 jobs, so our time together is so slim.

We spent our first morning here on a long walk in the woods on the property. We talked about life, laughed some and cried some, and we talked a lot about how big our God is. Sometimes it’s hard for the two of us: D, a workaholic and me, a control-freak of a mom; to really really check out and just be together. When we do this, we tend to grieve a lot and talk a lot about our Mary Anna.

Well, the owners of this farm that we are staying at recently experienced a deep sadness like we with live, and it hit us in a unique way today. The husband passed away suddenly at a young age, and the wife was left to raise their 5 children alone and run this business by herself. As we wandered through the edge of the trailhead, I spotted a white, quaint chapel tucked away on a hill. We were tired from our hike, and were debating if we wanted to take the short walk and see it, and we decided to do it. Unknowingly it was the gravesite of Sam, the owner who passed away.


Dan with tears in his eyes looked over this sweet little white picket fence, and he said to me:
Karebear, this dirt is fresh. He walked to the grace, and I walked into the chapel. We both wept. We both know the pain of burying someone far too young, and trying to limp your family through grief, while the world keeps spinning.


It’s caused the rest of our day here to be sweet and full of time together, but also full of memories of our girl. I heard a podcast this past week but a lady who lost her husband, and she made a point along the lines of this…

If we try to move on from the path that God has chosen for us, even if it includes death and sadness, then we aren’t fully living in the path that God chose for us.

As I am walking through loss with my friend, Katie, who lost her baby girl a month ago, I am looking at my own loss and grief so much more clearly. It’s only been 4 years, but the Lord has done a work in the those long, yet so short years. He has taught me that grief isn’t supposed to leave us. That like Lisa Appelo said on the podcast, that we should embrace this as a part of us. This embracing has truly made me a stronger and more caring person. Yes, it brings sadness on my getaways with my husband and bring me to my knees often, but isn’t that exactly where the Creator meets us the most with his humble love for us?

Y’all the Kingdom is waiting for us, and we can’t continue this life in utter blindness to sadness and hurt. IT’s the waves that make the calm sea more beautiful. The waves keep coming, but so doe the calm seas. Keep walking on water through the impossible.

And the only way to walk on water is like Jesus told Peter, to keep our eyes focused on Him.

When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.
-Haruki Murakami

What makes a river so restful to people is that it doesn’t have any doubt- it is sure to get where it is going, and it doesn’t want to go anywhere else.
-Hal Boyle

As I sit on this amazing little porch crying while writing, D is sitting next to me crying too writing some letters to our two babies here on earth. William and Mary Kathryn get the best of us thank to our dear Mary Anna.

Our life…
It’s really messy…
But it’s really sweet.

Keep Walking.